Looking for Mr Right
Divorced, single again or still looking for Mr Right? What are the rules of dating when you’re in your thirties?
HOW EASY is it to date again when you are over 35? Until a few months ago this question may have been entirely academic, but in the past few months three of my friends have separated, divorced or split up from their long-term partners.
Joining the ranks of semi-detached femaledom, as in separation and not divorce, with two kids sounds scary just writing about it. But my friend Laura has assured me that the reality is even more terrifying¼
After eight years of being in a relationship, she now faces a choice. She can do as British TV presenter Anne Diamond did and retire to the kitchen to tend tirelessly to the needs of her children — in between hitting the biscuit tin. Or she can do a Meg Matthews who, after splitting from Noel Gallagher of Oasis, hired a nanny and advertised her availability — naked — on the cover of a magazine.
Real life is not that simple, of course. Most women who find themselves suddenly single in their thirties, forties or beyond are looking to occupy a middle ground somewhere between saintly earth mother and sex siren. They want a relationship, but they certainly don’t want all the hassle from the last time; a new life, definitely, but it still has to fit round the remnants of the old one.
The question is: how do you do that? The biggest issue for many would be fear – fear of getting naked in front of a new man, fear of making a fool of oneself after a couple of G and Ts, fear of upsetting the children, or just fear of failing. During my friend Laura’s blacker moments, she has phoned and threatened to become celibate and simply keep cats. I assure her that at 37 she will have to get through a lot of Whiskas tins and pop her Jimmy Choos first.
I have another girlfriend who left her husband after a decade of marriage. She is now happily ensconced with a new man, but along the way she dated a few undesirables, spent a few hours waiting by the phone for Mr Wrong to ring, and cried her fair share of Chardonnay.
She says women in their prime shouldn’t be worried about bodies that have gone a bit. An ounce of sexual enthusiasm is worth a pound of pert flesh, apparently. The key can be to go for a younger man. “My first boyfriend after my husband was 21,” she explained. “He loved the fact that I didn’t give a damn in bed.”
Twenty-one might be pushing it a bit, and indeed that relationship didn’t last. But the chance to enjoy great sex can be a huge ego boost in itself. According to another 40-something friend: “If in doubt, get a good bra and keep it on in bed. He’ll think you are being naughty when you’re just keeping them hitched up.”
This presupposes you’ve managed to get a date in the first place. That can be a major stumbling block. I can understand when my friends complain of decidedly rusty dating skills. When it comes to eyes meeting across a crowded room, they don’t remember how. And as for the etiquette of exchanging phone numbers and who pays for dinner, it can all become a bit of a blur.
“Texting is really big,” explained a born-again single in her forties. “You don’t give your home number, you give your mobile and then you flirt.”
“Flirt?” my friend Chris exclaimed. “I can barely see the screen on my mobile without glasses, let alone flirt…” I suppose this method has the advantage that if you have to dump him, you don’t have to do it face to face.
So if you’re over thirty, where can you go to meet a half-decent bloke? Nightclubs are probably out. The competition is likely to be younger and more lithe (and won’t have a babysitter they have to get back to). Another possible source is friends, but they tend to be cosily coupled up. And the teenage parties where everyone was available are probably just a distant memory. Instead, you are now Leperwoman, the sole single female whose only purpose in life, it is assumed, is to steal someone else’s chap. Frankly, you’re lucky if you get invited out at all.
Some friends might line up a spare man for you at a dinner party, of course. This happened to Chris. “They didn’t warn me,” she said. “Fortunately, he was as embarrassed as I was, so we turned it into a bit of a laugh. I didn’t fancy him, though.” That was probably the best way to deal with it: make him a conspirator, rather than a potential father for your children.
For younger people the prime hunting ground is the workplace. But while getting off with Derek in accounts at the office party is fine if you’re Tracy the photocopy assistant, if you’re the MD it’s a huge no-no. My friend Sarah, a senior PR executive, had a relationship with a man junior to her. “The other men, in particular, were really sniffy about it,” she said. “There were loads of jokes behind my back about Lady Chatterley.”
Which leaves dating agencies, the small ads and the Internet. It’s best to approach all three with caution. I have one friend who met a man on the Internet. He sounded really nice, but when she met him face to face she didn’t find him attractive. She tried to let him down gently, but he turned a bit nasty and took to leaving threatening messages on her answer-phone.
This may all sound a bit depressing, but as I said I have a girlfriend who is living proof that you can start again in your late thirties with a bit of luck and a huge helping of optimism. She met her chap when he came to landscape her garden. But she doesn’t have kids: the greatest worry must be that children would hate any new man brought into their lives. “The scenario of my daughter clinging to my leg as I attempt to go out the door on a date beckons,” said Claire. “In my imagination at least.”
Kate, a lawyer and single mother, is adamant her child hasn’t suffered because of her relationship. “My six-year-old was desperate for a daddy,” she said. Still, when Kate met a new man she was careful to keep him off-site until she knew he was serious. “I didn’t want my daughter getting attached in case we broke up,” she admitted.
According to those who’ve done it, the tricky stage with kids probably only lasts until they’re teenagers anyway. By that time, they’d be glad if you went out with someone if it stopped you nagging them to tidy up their bedrooms.
Talking of which, here’s one last piece of advice from a girlfriend who is dating again: get a new bed. “The last thing you want is to be reminded of your ex,” she said.
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