WHEN YOU are young and day-dreaming about your future, the love and marriage part of the fantasy probably doesn’t include becoming someone else’s second wife. And it’s unlikely that being a stepmother features in your dreams either.
However for many this could be what the future holds. We are living in an age when the concept of togetherness has taken on an entirely new meaning. Two-thirds of marriages end in divorce — the average marriage lasts just eight years — and trend forecasters predict that ‘serial marriage’ will soon become the norm in the UK. (I think that it’s probably already a trend here in Cyprus, for we like to keep up with, if not overtake, the rest of Europe.)
Meanwhile, remarriage is now so common in the US that they have actually invented a name (now there’s a surprise) for the relationship between current and ex-wife: ‘step-wives’. Succeeding an ex-wife – or even a long-term partner – is much more daunting than just replacing a former girlfriend. There’s often a very real fear that the man might change his mind and go back to his ex.
A quick straw poll among all ‘step-wives’ I spoke to revealed that at some point all of them had wondered: “Was she prettier, thinner or better in bed than me?”
But it’s important, I believe, to bring these feelings under control – before they control you. “It’s easy to invest huge amounts of power in an ex-wife, but the key word in that equation is ‘ex’,” says psychologist and relationship expert Dr Petra Boynton from University College London. “If you are in doubt, ask him outright what’s going on. Discuss what he wants from his relationship with both of you, and remember, even if he gets on well with her, it doesn’t mean you need to feel threatened: he has the right to have had a happy relationship in the past, but he’s with you now.”
Wise words indeed, but often easier said than done — especially if your partner insists on maintaining a friendship with his ex. It doesn’t happen often here in Cyprus (not among Cypriots anyway), but it did happen to some friends of mine. Having been friends for two years before they started dating, it was my friend who counselled her boyfriend through the end of his 20-year marriage.
“I felt I had to accept that their relationship was part of the package,” Bella recalls. “I even had his ex-wife over for dinner a couple of times. But then I realised I must be mad. She seemed to delight in the fact that she still had some sort of hold over him, and she basically ignored me.”
The situation came to a head when Bella gave him an ultimatum. “I said that if he wanted to be with me he couldn’t see her any more, because it felt so destructive.” It worked. Bella got married last year and now has a one-year-old baby. “In a way, I feel he was grateful to be forced into cutting ties because she had caused him so much misery over the years,” Bella says.
Not a scenario that you would see happening among many Cypriot women; I have not met one yet who has even tried to have a decent relationship with her ex-husband or his ‘new’ partner, not even for their children’s sake. Mediterranean people sometimes view divorce or separation like something worse than death.
Things do get complicated when there are children involved, however. The past is part of the present, which suggests a lifelong bond. This can compound the fear that they may someday get back together – and jealousy and hostility between his exes and current partners may well increase. But since two women in this situation are more or less forced into a relationship, they can also end up being friends.
The book Step-Wives (Simon & Schuster, £8.00) is a result of two women Lynne Oxhorn-Ringwood and Louise Oxhorn, two American women with the same man – and child – in common. After a frosty hostility between them for 10 years, they decided to put their differences aside for the sake of the child. It’s a practical guide to ‘ending the struggle and putting the kids first’. Communication, empathy and acceptance of the situation are their suggested starting points for turning a cold war into co-operation. Some self-help books do actually help if you’re willing to take their advice.
For many, a friendship with an ex’s partner is realistic only if everyone concerned has found a new relationship. Liz, 47, divorced from Robert, 49, after a 23-year marriage – and now they share custody of their two sons, aged ten and 12. While she says she had a few ‘funny twinges’ of jealousy when she first heard that Robert had started a serious relationship with a graphic designer called Louise, the fact that she also met someone helped a lot.
“I heard about Louise from the boys,” she explained to me. “I didn’t meet her for a while but when I did, I just thought ‘Oh, you’re exactly the kind of person that would be my friend’. The boys loved her and had great fun with her, which was a good advert.
“By then we’d been separated for five years: if I had met her a year after Robert and I had split, I would have been much more prickly about it, especially also knowing that she was much younger than me. It was also easier to deal with because I’m with someone, too.”
Of course every situation is different – and to strike up a real friendship with your partner’s ex may be more than you can hope for. If friendship seems unrealistic, the most productive way forward is to try setting your emotions to one side. Aim simply for acceptance of the situation, and for civility, which might be easier than you think. After all, you both picked the same man and – like it or not – the same man picked you …
[email protected]
