The bottom line is…
How offensive are the over-50s in jeans?
IN THE fashion world at the moment (actually just a bunch of fashionistas in a wine bar, with a bottle of bubbly), the biggest debate is whether or not women of Camilla Parker Bowles’ age should be seen in jeans. I have to admit that, yes, she does look better in one of her A-line numbers than a pair of Levi’s, but it doesn’t mean that she can’t wear a decent pair of jeans if she wants to just because she’s 50 something. For a start, how you rate in jeans is all to do with body shape, not age – who can forget how good Joanna Lumley looked poured into her jeans for the Marilyn Manson concert in Absolutely Fabulous? (Am I the only one that still watches those DVD’s?). Besides, making jeans the litmus test of a woman’s mutton rating is missing the point. It is well known that, when it comes to age-appropriate dressing, there are some high-risk items of clothing, but jeans are not among them. And if we are to talk serious fashion-talk here, let’s start by putting the record straight with the serious ‘fashion faux pas’ that occur every second of the day on this island. I am seriously thinking about opening a fashion consultancy service for those poor darlings that seriously need help…
The long skirt: you may have clocked on that the Jean-Paul Gaultier style tiered number, as worn by Joss Stone and Sienna Miller et al, is this summer’s answer to the frilled mini of last year. Ironically, given the right legs, the mini is actually less risky than this hobo item. Along with anything involving broderie anglaise, puffed sleeves and bare midriffs, the long skirt has such strong associations of youth, your first smoke and so on that anyone trying it later in life looks like a crone.
The very cropped trousers: what could be more demure, you may wonder. But it’s the principal-boy element, the hint of naval rating, that makes this a no-go look. You might just get away with them with boots again in winter, but in summer they are as inappropriate as sailor tops and bunchies. (Then again they do seem to have a weird liking for Aliki Vouyouklaki in Cyprus).
The bikini: there is only one rule of bikini-wearing: if you are young and firm, you can afford to be podgy in a two-piece; if you’re over 40, you need to be whippet-thin and not cr?pey. Note: we are happy to see Jerry Hall (for my young readers’ information: Mick Jagger’s first wife) in a spaghetti-strap top or a mini, but we do not want to see her tummy button under any circumstances.
Visible underwear: it might have done the trick for Kate Middleton (Prince William’s girlfriend, who is 19, and was modeling at a charity fashion show). But, as Guy Ritchie famously once told Madonna, visible bras on a forty-something are ill advised.
The above-the-knee denim skirt: Oooh… This one is a killer, especially if worn tight enough to create a pancake bottom that reaches down to just above the knees. Say no more.
Then again, there are plenty of non-clothing no-no’s that can make you look sadder than a Cher catsuit: those rubber message bracelets (please, leave the kids something of their own); banging on about loving Kasabian; boring your godchildren about your experiences with grass at university; ankle bracelets; henna tattoos; thinking you can still have hair like David Bowie/Rod Stewart circa 1974; privately grooving to your iPod… In fact, when you think about it carefully, the wearing of jeans is really pretty inoffensive.
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Suitcase Savvy
After years of traveling to and fro, I have learnt to treat packing as the first step to my journey; it should never be a chore, so remember these tips and stop moaning about having to sit on your suitcase to shut it!
Plan your outfits
Instead of just throwing clothes into your case, pick out a series of outfits. If it doesn’t travel don’t pack it. Could you do without that chiffon dress? That linen jacket? If so, do. You don’t go on holiday to spend every night ironing, so be realistic. It’s why fabrics like jersey, Lycra and crinkled silk were invented! Duh…
Hang up your hangers
How many times have you taken a pile of clothes hangers in your suitcase ‘just in case’, only to find that there’s plenty in your hotel or apartment? The same will happen this time – and if there isn’t any, I’m sure the owners will be happy to help. One exception, please note, is the skirt hanger.
You’ve heard it before, but…
It’s true! If you put aside everything you are planning to pack, and then halve it, you’ll still have everything you need, minus the bad back from carrying all that extra load. The same goes for non-clothing items: will you really need six novels? Take three and swap with fellow travelers if you run out!
Stay smooth
Tissue paper is a fussy waste of time. To stop special outfits from creasing, wrap them up using plastic bags instead. Those supermarket carriers you have hundreds of in the kitchen drawer will do. Better still use dry-cleaning bags or bin liners. On the way home, when it doesn’t matter about creases, you can use the bags for keeping dirty clothes and shoes separate…voila!
