Now I can take over the world
A letter from somebody called LL, Nicosia was published in this paper last week (May 26) explaining why some people in Cyprus have the weird hobby of going to places where they know their neighbours walk their dogs and decorating them with pieces of meat stuffed with poisonous lanate.
“What drives normally law-abiding people to act in such a manner?” asks LL, Nicosia in his letter and has an immediate and clear-cut answer: “It is not for the fun of it or out of boredom or cruelty, but because they are driven to it by rude, inconsiderate dog owners who show no respect for the people living nearby them who want peace and quiet.”
“The warm climate in Cyprus means people sleep with their bedroom windows open,” LL, Nicosia continues. “They certainly do not want a yapping dog a few metres away from where they are trying to sleep at six o’clock on a Sunday morning.”
Wow, I must admit I am touched and amazed by LL, Nicosia’s deep humanity and the fact that he (or she) understands so well that “law-abiding people” make mistakes and poison the wrong culprits, ie animals and not their owners. “My problem is not with the dogs themselves but with their owners,” he says in his letter.
I also want to thank him profoundly for his clarity of judgement regarding finding a correct solution to such problems. For years now I have been wondering what to do with priests in my local church who wake me every Sunday at six o’clock in the morning with their singing, with calls for prayers from the other side that interrupt my quiet afternoon siestas, with soldiers stationed next to my house who rev their lorries past my bedroom window in the middle of the night… I could go on.
Now I know what action I should take and I have LL, Nicosia to thank for my enlightenment. The best way to deal with any nuisance that interrupts my otherwise peaceful and dreamy Cypriot existence is to get rid of the source once and forever, and, as Italians have known for centuries, poison is a great tool to achieve this purpose. (By the way, because of the recent sheep and Bulgarian university diploma blunder by Eleni Theocharous, I hope the Embassy of Italy won’t take offence.)
I have already made my plans and am going to spend the next few weeks researching the eating patterns of the priests, imams and soldiers. I will see which rubbish bins they roam at night and what their favourite food is. I will then stuff kebabs, pizza or baklava with lanate (because it is so easily available in Cyprus), place them where they can find them, and hide somewhere close to be able to watch them dying in pain and convulsions for hours. After all, they deserve it. They interrupt my sleep.
Once I deal with those who are inconsiderate towards me, I will target all those who have been rude to my friends. I will poison car owners who park their vehicles in such a way that my neighbour who has a small baby can’t walk in the streets of Nicosia with her pram, I will get rid of kids in a kindergarten located next to the house of another friend (they are so noisy that he can’t work), and I will also offer some lanate to Garo Keheyan of the Pharos Trust so he could get rid of the PASYDY’s management team (during his latest concert there, they rented a space in the same building, next to the concert hall, to a wedding crowd drinking and dancing to the tunes of bozouki). Of course, before reading the LL Nicosia’s letter I would have advised Garo to go after the wedding guests but now I know better.
And then, oh, a power of dreams, I can become a new Robin Hood and poison the rich and give to the poor, and get rid of whoever is responsible for the selection of the bulk of movies shown at the Cineplex and on TV, and find the guys who are obstructing the Manifesta Six, and to cut it short, sort out all the problems of the world.
PS: I just want to add that I am a “normal law-abiding” citizen and if I plan to use lanate it is not “for the fun of it or out of boredom or cruelty”. All my potential victims are “rude, inconsiderate, defensive, aggressive and totally ignoring other’s requests. If anybody has any other ideas how to deal with them please mail the paper.
