From the bog standard to the cream of the crop, we’ve answered the call of nature.
Rollettes
Don’t they sound perky and preppy; the loo paper that cheerleaders with hemorrhoids swear by. These are very moist – I certainly felt squeaky clean – but there was no real wiping power, and you need at least 4 sheets to do any good! However, I can understand how some people might be rather grateful for moist toilet paper – and hang the expense! Just keep them hidden in the bathroom cupboard – you don’t want your guests discussing your embarrassing little ailments over the hors d’oeuvres.
Price: ?1.52 for 80 wipes
Rating: 3
Andrex
Ooo – now this is worth it, even though those puppy ads have always put me off before (any canine that legs it with my loo paper while I’m otherwise engaged is going straight to the doghouse). This had just the right amount of softness and was very absorbent – I hardly needed more than 3 sheets at a time – and also lasted the longest. Definite value for money and a soothing mint colour; I’ll be buying Andrex in the future.
Price: 45c per roll
Rating: 5
Kitten Soft
Kitten soft? I ask you, would you use a kitten?! Anyway, this was one of the better loo papers: lightly embossed with some dodgy flowers, nicely absorbent and a good width. As the brand name suggests, it is really very soft, but not so much that it tends to fell to pieces when wet. The most of expensive of the bunch, but the “warm peach” accessorised well in my bathroom, and it did last a good while.
Price: 49c per roll
Rating: 4
Foxy
With a name like Foxy, I expect madams the world over order this in bulk, especially as it’s blue. Its claim to fame is that it’s lavender scented, and on a clear day, with the wind in the right direction, it just might be. I can’t help but wonder what impregnated chemicals create the aroma – but it didn’t seem to have any effect on my nether regions. What it lacks in width it makes up for in length (as the actress said to the bishop), and it’s averagely absorbent. Good value.
Price: 31c per roll
Rating: 4
Kleenex Premium Brand
Hmmm. When I see “Premium Brand” on the label, I expect a lot more than this. It’s fairly absorbent, wide and long, but only sadomasochists would choose this to accompany them through the post-curry experience. It does the job, but it’s far too scratchy for my liking – I expected a lot more, especially as it’s on the more expensive side. I may swear by Kleenex tissues to get me through a cold, but when it comes to the other end, I’ll look elsewhere.
Price: 40c per roll
Rating: 2
Silvex
Here’s the bog standard choice, excuse the pun! Short, thin and unabsorbent – if you’re off camping, save on space and use leaves instead. If you’re looking for the cheapest on the market, this is it, but be warned – you do get what you pay for when it comes to loo paper!
Price: 20c per roll
Rating: 1
Fay
This was the shortest roll of the lot. It only lasted as long as it takes to say “no more prunes for me thanks, I’m off to inspect the facilities”. It is cheap, but I can’t say it’s cheerful. Bright and white, this is the sort of loo paper you get in big companies, where the real money goes on entertaining the clients.
Price: 23c per roll
Rating: 1
