YOU’VE at least got to admire our Ethnarch for his steel cojones, standing up to the arrogant superpower that thought every time it sent us some middle-ranking nobody from the State Department, our government would express its undying gratitude, declare a public holiday and line up schoolkids along the streets waving US flags to welcome him.
Those days are gone, because under Etharch Tassos we have at long last rediscovered our national pride and dignity, refusing to brown-nose every American official who sets foot on our shores to promote Turkey’s interests. We may be a small and insignificant country with a tiny population and no military might, but we have a big and smart leader who can run rings around simpleton Yanks.
Who is this Matt Bryza anyway? Who is this man who thought he could just announce the date of his visit and the President of the Cyprus Republic would immediately reorganise his busy schedule to meet him? Our Ethnarch will do this, quite rightly, only for sexy, female singers from Greece, who demand no concessions for the Turks and have the decency not to visit Talat in his pseudo-office.
Had US ambassador Ronald Schlicher been on our island a little longer, he would have known this and would not have been politely urging our leader to grant an audience to Bryza. Now, if Bryza was accompanied by Madonna, I am sure the palazzo doors would have opened for him, but on his own he doesn’t stand a chance in hell of being seen by our main man.
He doesn’t even stand chance of being seen by our main man’s boy, Foreign Minister George Lillikas, who will be in Brussels on Monday and Tuesday taking care of some unimportant affairs of zero urgency. But it is a matter of protocol. It is degrading for our foreign ministry’s Numero Uno to be obliged to see the Number Five of the State Department, simply because the US is a superpower.
We hope Ambassador Schlicher has conveyed to Washington the message that the Ethnarch will not be intimidated or bow to the superpower. If the Bush administration wants talks with our government it should learn to treat it as an equal. If they want talks with Lillikas, they should send Condi Rice, his counterpart at the State Department.
But there is no guarantee our Ethnarch will see her, as appearance-wise she is nothing like Despina Vandi or Anna Vissi. This is not to say that Bush himself should visit Cyprus if he wants to gauge Tassos’ views about a Cyprus initiative – that would be arrogant on our part to demand it. This is why the palazzo has let it be known that Tassos would ignore protocol and see Vice-president Cheney – assuming, of course, he did not go to Talat’s office during the visit.
THE BRYZA visit has had one positive effect. It has helped our government draft clearly defined guidelines regarding what is expected of foreign dignitaries visiting the island and the sanctions it would impose if these were ignored. It is really quite simple
1. Appointed politicians such as cabinet members (e.g. British foreign secretaries) who visit Talat’s ‘presidential office’ will not be seen by the Etnarch.
2. Appointed politicians such as cabinet members who meet Talat anywhere except his ‘presidential office’, will be seen by the Ethnarch
3. High-ranking UN officials (Ibrahim Gambari) who are here to help peace efforts will be seen by the Ethnarch even if they visit Talat in the ‘presidential office’. The same applies to UN Special Representatives for Cyprus.
4. Appointed politicians (Olli Rehn) who come here to help the peace efforts will be seen by the Ethnarch if they book an appointment with his secretary before their arrival and visit Talat in his office without an appointment. If they make an appointment with Talat, the Ethnarch has the right to cancel the appointment.
5. Serving diplomats (Matt Bryza) on fact-finding missions can see Talat in the ‘presidential office’ because the Ethnarch will not meet lowly officials, especially if they are American
6. Serving diplomats who come here to help the peace efforts can see Talat in his pseudo- office but will not be seen by the Ethnarch because of their low rank and not because they met Talat. However the foreign minister will meet them, as long as they extend their scheduled stay on the island by one day. If they do not extend their stay an appointment will be arranged with foreign ministry’s cleaning lady.
7. Serving diplomats from Russia (Leonid Abramov), who come here for no apparent reason will be seen by the Ethnarch, despite being low-ranking – even if they see Talat in his ‘presidential’ office, with or without an appointment, on condition that the meeting with the Ethnarch is kept secret.
8. Female Greek pop-stars who come here for concerts will be seen by the Ethnarch as long as they are beautiful, glamorous, sexy and have shapely legs. No appointment needed and they can visit Talat in his bedroom if they want.
9. High-ranking senior diplomats who come here to help the peace efforts will be seen by the Ethnarch as long as they do promise not to mention the Cyprus problem at meeting. If they do, they will be sent to Talat’s ‘presidential office’.
STAYING on diplomatic matters, we were overjoyed to hear that a new state job has been found for the Shistris waiter just a few weeks after he was sacked as foreign minister According to the press reports, a proposal was submitted to the Council of Ministers to appoint George Iacovou as a head waiter at the Leicester Square Angus Steak House.
Well not exactly. George will be going to London, but to take the post of Cyprus High Commissioner, if the British government gives its approval. It is a demotion, as poor old George will now be bossed around by people who a few weeks ago were his subordinates. But the former waiter will suffer any humiliation in order to remain on the state payroll and retain some social status – it beats going back to Shistris.
Fifteen years as foreign minister, waiting on three presidents, spending half his life on planes and he still is consumed by the burning desire to serve the public. Is this man normal?
ANOTHER public servant who suffers the same disease as Iacovou is the director of the House of Representatives Kostakis Christoforou, who should have left his post in May and gone into retirement. He remains the director, in violation of the laws of the land, in the hope that his patron, Commissar Christofias will persuade the Ethnarch to extend his service by a couple of years.
Only in Cyprus would the lawmaking body show contempt for the laws it makes but that is another matter. Christoforou is the quintessential public servant – a mediocrity, with a talent for buttering up and flattering politicians. One of the targets of his grovelling methods is bound to come to his help in his hour of need.
An extension to a public parasite’s service after he has reached retirement age can only be given if it is in the public interest. But the proposal for the extension of Christoforou’s service has not been accompanied by any justification of why it is in the public interest. It seems not even Christoforou’s political patrons can think of any grounds of public interest for keeping him on.
But there are very good grounds of personal interest (status, self-esteem, big pension plus salary) for justifying an extension, which we hope the Council of Ministers would seriously consider.
LAST WEEK we had promised to respond to the hostile letter sent by Ewart Williams of Pervolia and published in the Cyprus Mail (July 5, 2006). Our loyal reader Ewart took offence at critical comments we had written about Central Bank Governor Ttooulis of Avgorou and launched a savage attack on our establishment.
First, he claimed that a Coffeeshop report about Ttooulis “reveals a great degree of petty, immature and irresponsible journalism and indicates a continually vindictive attitude towards an indi
vidual…” We totally agree with him, but our establishment has never aspired to producing anything other than irresponsible, immature and petty journalism. If this does not meet Ewart’s high ethical standards he should read another paper.
Second, Ewart takes exception at our description of Ttooulis as a “the poor village boy” and writes: “Mr Christodoulou comes from a rich family, rich in standards, morals and etiquette – ingredients which at times your paper lacks.” How does Ewart, an expat stuck in Pervolia, know so much about Tttooulis’ family background? Is he writing a biography of the man or are they related in some way?
Third, he accuses us at the shop of contradicting ourselves, because one week the column was “heavily biased against Mr Christodoulou” for being tough on the banks while two weeks later it “refers unfavourably to the actions of the B of C and Laiki and questions the decisions of its respective boards”. Why can’t we write unfavourably about both? It is one of the advantages of irresponsible, immature and petty journalism.
Fourth, Ewart accuses the Coffeeshop of publishing views that serve different interests and concludes thus: “Should we the readers expect a different position and assessment serving the interests of somebody else next week?” This is a bit rich coming from a man who has written a 600-word paean, telling us what a truly perfect human being Tttooulis is and citing several reasons why the President should renew his contract.
Apart from “maintaining high integrity in every position he has rightly been appointed to”, Ttooulis “is being increasingly respected by his international counterparts,” wrote Ewart adding, “another reason why the President should re-appoint him is to ensure continuity at a critical time in the financial history of Cyprus”.
If Ewart Williams exists, I would like to meet him to ask him how he knew that Ttooulis was “being increasingly respected by his counterpart” and that in “every position he has rightly been appointed”. I would also like to ask him if he learnt his English at the Pervolia primary school.
SORRY to have bored you with this nonsense but I just had to get that off my chest. Regulars at Nicosia’s most fashionable fish restaurant – frequented by ministers, top civil servants, leading businessmen – must be praying when they arrive for lunch that a certain big developer will not be eating there. The developer is the archetypal peasant with loads of cash. His lunching partners are usually flunkeys who flatter and humour him.
While at the table he is constantly talking on his mobiles, negotiating prices, barking orders at his employees and boasting to friends about the deals he struck. How do we know this? Because he has a habit of shouting instead of talking on his mobiles, as if he were in the privacy of his office. It is impossible for people at adjacent tables to have a conversation.
On irritated customer called the waiter to complain about the developer. “Could you please ask him to keep his voice down?” he told the waiter. “I can’t really,” replied the waiter. “Why?” asked the customer.
“Whenever we have received complaints and asked him to keep his voice down he explodes. He starts shouting at us for being so rude and becomes twice as loud as normally, so now we avoid telling him anything.”
THE COPS’ charm offensive has moved to schools. Some very nice cops recently visited a summer school to talk to children under-10 about the work of the police. They gave each kid a ruler, a pencil and some leaflets. The leaflets must have been particularly useful for an eight-year-old. One gave tips on how to ensure that his car was not broken into and the other on how to protect his home from burglaries.
HERE are some more personal ads that were published in the Dublin News:
Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11:30pm.
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed super model, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
