As youngsters in Cyprus are free of the responsibility their parents faced, increasing numbers of twenty and thirty somethings are choosing to remain single. So what is it that stops men popping the question?
WHY WON’T he marry me? He says he loves me, wants to be with me, wants to live with me, but he just won’t marry me. Why not?
Could it be he’s just not that into me? Is he afraid of commitment? Did I move in with him too soon? Does he still want to play the field? Is it a classic case of ‘why buy the whole cow, when you can get the milk for free?’
These are questions and scenarios women have become increasingly good at asking themselves and their girlfriends as they wait for Mr Right to pop the question.
But why doesn’t he want to get married?
Psychologist Vassilis Christodoulou said the issue went hand-in-hand with men’s difficulty in forming good, stable relationships that then lead to marriage.
He said he felt this difficulty was based on three key aspects.
“Deep down, young men and women are different today than they were in previous decades. In the past, people became independent much sooner, lived alone and then created stable relationships and got married. At 18 or 19 people wanted to move out of the family home. Now it’s common to hear about 27, 28 and even 30-year-olds living at home who don’t want to leave.”
Christodoulou said this phenomenon was not exclusive to Cyprus. “It’s happening abroad as well. Young people find security in the family nest, which leads to forming the types of relationships that don’t easily lead to marriage. Why should it when they have all the benefits of the family home?”
Another factor was how readily accessible sex had become. “It’s very easy for men to have sex today for very little or no money, which then makes it harder for them to have a stable relationship that will secure safe, stable sex and therefore they find it harder to commit,” he said.
This social phenomenon of the promiscuous Cypriot male then changed how Cypriot women viewed sex, he said. “Cypriot women also have sex more easily now [so there’s no need to form relationships].”
It was the combination of these factors that made it more difficult for men to form loving, stable relationships that resulted in marriage, Christodoulou said.
“To have a relationship doesn’t mean to satisfy one or the other person. They have to learn to love the other person. If they don’t learn how to do this through other stable relationships, it becomes harder to do as they get older, and then marriage is a harder decision to make.”
But what do the men think? The Sunday Mail spoke to seven single males to try and find out what exactly stops them from taking the next step.
Alexandros Dikaios, 29, said growing up as part of a generation with a lot less responsibility than his parents had was part of the reason.
“At my age my dad had two kids to feed and three jobs. I’ve got a lot less responsibility and as such haven’t matured as fast… As a result the pressure isn’t there, nor the desire to get hitched too soon.”
Dikaios said although he wasn’t against the institution of marriage, he simply wasn’t at a stage where he felt the clock ticking.
“I plan to travel and work. I very much leave [marriage] to fate… It’s also about timing. If you both find each other at the right time, it’s likely to work out.”
Socrates Themistocleous, 28, said although he loved his girlfriend of four years, marriage wasn’t an option, even if he were given an ultimatum.
“I’ve had a cushioned life that has not required me to grow up fast. I’m simply not ready to commit myself to settling down and having a family. Or perhaps more truthfully, I don’t want to be ready. It’s a bit of a Peter-pan syndrome. I like not having the responsibilities that come with marriage and a family. I recognise that it’s socially important that we get married and have kids, but for now I’d rather wait.”
He added that he was lucky enough to live in an age where marriage was no longer a social prerequisite to cohabitation, so he had the option to wait.
“It’s also expensive. I’ve only been in the workforce for a few years and simply don’t feel financially secure enough to get married… Had I not pursued the postgraduate route and opted to join the workforce at say 23, I may have felt ready to get married at 28. But, as it was, I only became financially independent at 26. And even then it’s a shaky kind of financial independence.”
Andreas Nicolaides, 35, said it was still too early to determine whether his girlfriend of four months was ‘the one’.
“I’m not against marriage. I had a fianc?e five years ago, but we broke up when it became apparent we wanted different things. She wanted to start a family straightaway and I wasn’t ready. In the end it was best to cut our losses while we still could,” he said.
Nicolaides said this was the 21st century and that attitudes had changed so he did not feel under pressure to tie the knot.
“Additionally I look at the statistics and see that one in three marriages ends in divorce. I don’t just want to be one of those statistics. If I get married I want to stay married.”
The 35-year-old recognises that he is also a very selfish person and realises that marriage requires a lot of compromise, something he’s not sure he’s ready to do.
“If I’m still single by the time I’m 50 and I feel lonely and wish I was married, it’s very easy to go online an choose a Russian bride. I don’t see anything embarrassing in that,” he said.
Marcos Christou, 32, said women had grown up with the idea of a fairytale wedding in their heads.
He said: “For me that’s not as important an issue. It’s not the be all and end all. I don’t need to be married to be happy. I would never say never to being married. I could wake up tomorrow, or in a month, or in five years and change my mind. Today, right now, I don’t want to though. I’m just not ready. The feeling to commit is not there; to settle down, to be being with one person for the rest of my life.”
Michael Ioannou, 31, said his long-term girlfriend would like a commitment but he wasn’t ready.
“It’s not I’m against it, but I just don’t like the pressure or being backed into a corner. Just because my friends are married and my parents want me to get married doesn’t mean I have to do so.”
Ioannou said he believed he and his partner had to live together for at least a year before he could even consider marriage. So far, they’ve been together three years and cohabiting for six months.
“I haven’t had many girlfriends in the past so due to the lack of experience I want to make sure,” he said.
Costas Aristides, 30, said he too had been engaged before and despite being with his new girlfriend for a year, the next step wasn’t a notion he entertained.
“I have always done my best to avoid relationships and marriage but then I somehow manage to get embroiled in them. I like to be able to take off for months at a time and it’s harder to do when you’re married, even though I think it can be done.”
Aristides admits that his lack of desire to marry could spurn from phobia.
“It’s a serious thing to jump into a marriage and I don’t’ understand why you have to even be married. Sometimes marriage and the pressure of getting married can cause more pressure and wreck it. Unless it’s for holy reasons or tax purposes there’s no need to marry right away, or ever.”
He said some of the happiest relationships were between couples who’d stayed together for years and never married.
“If people think marriage is a commitment of fidelity it’s not. I know couples married for years and they cheat like anything.”
He added: “I’m not viscously opposed to it, bu
t nor do I get all gooey at the thought, so I’m not going to rush into it. The question should perhaps be why should I get married, not why am I not married.”
Only Nicholas Michael, 33, said he was ready to settle down and start a family.
“I’ve felt ready since I was 28; it’s just not easy to find someone to marry.”
Michael’s desire to marry springs from his wish to be a young father and to be able to enjoy his children growing up.
“I want to have a family and something to come home to every day. I want to find someone I’m totally and completely in love with. I like commitment and am monogamous… I’ve had my share of experiences and now I just want to find someone to share the rest of my life with.”
