Cyprus may no longer be the narrow-minded conservative place it once was, but for the gay community little has changed
The old joke about homosexuality could have been thought up for Cyprus.
“What’s the difference between being black and being gay?”
“If you are black you don’t ever need to sit down and tell your Mother.”
In many parts of the world, it’s generally accepted that sexual orientation is neither a conscious choice nor anything that can be changed voluntarily. This concept has not yet been accepted in Cyprus, where homosexuality is rarely addressed and still ‘never dares speak its name’. Here, the majority of gay men and women have to remain in a permanent state of public denial about their true sexuality.
I wanted to find out what ‘being gay in Cyprus’ in 2008 meant to our young men and women and, if attitudes had indeed changed, away from the outright condemnation and social persecution which existed when I spoke to similar groups of gay men and women in Paphos six years ago.
I met up with a group of young men and women, aged between 17 and 25, at the one gay bar in Paphos which has managed against all odds to stay open. It is a popular sanctuary for a wide cross-section of both local and visiting gay, bisexual and cross dressers.
Maria, 17, sits with her partner Natalie, 19. Both hold hands, whispering in each other’s ears. Nervous laughs are the order of the day until both feel comfortable enough to talk, after I reassure them their identities will not be divulged.
Maria first knew she was gay at 13. “I had lots of girls as friends as we all did at school. We did the fun things girls of that age do together, but I always felt there was something missing. I did go out with boys, but was much happier in the company of girls. Then, I met one girl at school who I was able to honestly talk to about my feelings, and she understood so we became good friends. Then, I met Natalie, now she is the one I love and is the person I want to be with. That’s very difficult as we are seen only as friends by our family. I can never rush back to my mother after we have been together and tell her how wonderful she is or how much I love her. I just go on living this double life.”
Natalie works in an office and like Maria has never dared tell her parents about her hidden life.
“Both of us come from typical Cypriot families. My mother, like Maria’s, has already got the weddings planned, probably the dress has been designed, that sort of thing. Grandchildren are expected from us. In fact being a gay woman in Cyprus might be a bit easier than for a gay man, but it seems our only mission in life is to grow up, marry and start a family. I’d like children so I will have to do what other gay friends have done. I will probably marry a man, do the family thing and keep my real sexuality a secret.”
The strain of living this double life is evident on these young women’s faces. And the question is why wouldn’t their families see their daughters happy and fulfilled on their terms rather than married and miserable?
“My parents would never be able to recover from the shame of having a lesbian as a daughter. I know this for a fact,” said Natalie.
“I also have two younger (straight) sisters and they would also be affected by me coming out. The family would be gossiped about and lose respect. Also, my sisters will lose the chance to marry well. It’s a mess, but it’s a mess that’s not going to change for us here.”
Employment is the other issue. Few firms would be prepared to employ someone openly gay. “Not here in Paphos, maybe in the bigger towns. I wouldn’t tell my employer as this place is far too small to pass on any important secrets,” said Natalie.
Michael, 19, lives in Nicosia but comes to Paphos so he can ‘be gay’ here, rather than in his home town. “Yes, I travel here every week. No-one knows I am gay except the men I have been with. I also go out with women to confuse people a lot, so nothing like a gay label really sticks,” Michael said. “Of course I hate the lying, and the deceit of it all, but what can you do? I couldn’t ever tell my family I am gay. They think it’s disgusting.
“I will just carry on the way I am and hope I can get out of being forced into marrying someone.”
“Gay life is a game of two halves. I knew I was gay for a long time but never allowed myself even to think about it,” said Deborah, 27, a divorcee and a strong, attractive-looking woman who jokes about being a ‘dyke’.
“Okay, I haven’t told my mother, doubt if I ever will. But, I have a good circle of friends who know what I am and don’t care, which is great.
“I don’t have too many problems being gay here, as I don’t really expect too much from people. I don’t get beaten up by men who are disgusted that I want only to be with women. But, I have known a lot of gay men get beaten up, and not just by gay-bashing strangers. A lot are given a good beating by family members in an effort to knock some sense into them and that is really sick.”
Deborah isn’t sure whether her work knows about her being gay, but is unconcerned whether they do. “They might think about it, but as I am good at my job and a bit lippy at the same time, if I found out they had sacked me because of my sexuality, I’d bloody well sue them and I think they know that.”
Deborah said that in recent years some attitudes have changed among the educated and the young largely as a result of increased contact with foreigners. “That’s helped us a bit, as has being in the EU. We do now have some human rights which we didn’t have before.”
Nicolas, 24 and a physics student, felt uncomfortable about talking about his ‘gayness’ and put forward his standard response to anyone asking him if he is gay. “Straightness is supposedly normal and never needs to be explained, but ‘Queerdom’ is considered deviant from the normal and always needs investigation and answers, and from where I stand I think that’s bloody ridiculous,” he said.
“No one sits down one day and decides to be gay or straight,” explained Marcos, 25. “It’s religious bigotry that’s in part to blame for us having to lie and pretend to be what we are not. Regardless of what the priest says, there’s nothing in the New Testament saying Christ condemned homosexuality. I don’t believe in religion anymore or in people who are so morally bankrupt they refer to a book and disguise homophobia within that dark veil of religion. I should know, because I have also slept with a few priests, and is it any wonder that politicians, doctors, priests, teachers, whatever, keep denying they are gay when the penalties here for admitting it are still pretty high, so there is no coming out of the closet. A ‘poof’ politician for example, would be committing career suicide here, as what we do is still considered by the majority as sick, unnatural and ungodly, and I doubt if things are going to change in my generation.”
Quentin Crisp the pink-haired, dyed-in-the-wool homosexual stated: “Everything deemed to be deviant eventually becomes mainstream.
In an expanding universe time will always be on the side of the outcast.”
Talking to these young people, it was clear they knew only too well that Cyprus has not expanded sufficiently for them to ever see a time when they could relinquish their double lifestyle.
