Tales from the Coffeeshop
TODAY we are celebrating the first anniversary of the People’s Republic of Kyproulla which was established when Comrade Christofias and his Bolsheviks swept to power, triumphantly defeating the forces of reaction in presidential elections.
Why would a staunchly, neo-liberal, pro-Western, pro-capitalist, reactionary establishment like ours be celebrating the anniversary of a commie fanatic? Because after a year, we are happy to report that his caring, people-friendly government has still not nationalised any businesses, the free market is intact and the fairer society he was promising is not being pursued through higher taxation but through reckless spending.
Despite the squandering of state funds, the only people who have experienced the fairer society have been Akelites, friends of the comrade presidente and unions. For the rest of us, our society remains as unfair as it has always been while for some groups, like the state-persecuted cabaret owners, talk of a fair society is just a sick joke.
A year on it is clear that the comrade will resist the temptation to build a socialist paradise in Kyproulla. All indications are that he will be content to do exactly what other socialist leaders elected in capitalist countries have done – keep giving out state handouts to deserving groups of citizens and paying for grandiose projects we do not need until he bankrupts the state. He can then blame it all on globalisation, greedy multi-nationals and the Americans.
But as state bankruptcy will not arrive for a couple more years – thanks to our friend Charilaos’ expert management of his boss’ compulsion to waste all the taxpayers’ money on the poor and the construction companies – we have cause to celebrate now. On the first anniversary of the communist presidency we still have a free society, a free market and the promise of a free Fiesta when we buy a Ford Mondeo.
IT WAS an eventful first year for the comrade, who started his term with the airs and graces of a man who thought he was a naturally-born world statesman, a self-delusion strengthened by the warm welcome his election received from EU leaders, the Commission and the US administration.
World praise was not triggered by his Mandela-like charisma or his “international radiance” which awe-struck Haravghi hacks were writing about, but by the thinly disguised relief of foreign governments over the departure of the late Ethnarch. This became apparent to the comrade after being ignored by his colleagues at a couple of European summits.
The truth is he has gradually lost his airs and graces – the myth about his greatness taking several knocks – and has begun to exhibit signs of self-doubt and loss of confidence. He is finding it difficult to cope with criticism of his government and being an insecure village-boy at heart, takes it personally. And when the attacks are directed at him personally, he automatically offers the mob a scapegoat.
He completed his first year looking and sounding more like the insecure mukhtar of a mid-sized, mountain village who has failed to convince the government to pay for the establishment of a youth centre.
This insecurity is no bad thing because the last time we had as presidente a humble village boy, who believed he was a smart, world statesman capable of taking on the big boys of world politics and winning, we lost half the country to the Turks.
DELUSIONS of statesmanship did not last but the horkatos (villager) mentality has become the mark of the government in its first year, even if the comrade mukhtar has been sporting better quality ties and suits since his election.
The emotional way the man talks to the media, his love of the horkatos dialect, his lack of diplomatic etiquette, the taking of personal offence when his choices are questioned and the arrogance with which he exercises power are all part of his agricultural mind-set.
This horkatos style is also reflected in his government, in the way it does things and the way it looks. You just have to look at a group picture of his ministers and what you see is a village council dressed for the Sunday church service.
THE LIOPETRI look has even rubbed off on his patrician, cosmopolitan finance minister and our good friend Charilaos.
The scion of old Nicosia money has also had to make some calculated sacrifices in order to fit in. He has dumbed himself down, renouncing his undoubted intelligence and top educational qualifications, as he happily pursues the bankruptcy economics dictated by the man he fawningly refers to in public as ‘our president’.
On Thursday the bankruptcy drive was given another boost, with the announcement that the government would give €12 million to our spoilt university students, whose main stress in life is finding parking space for their BMWs.
You’d think he read economics at the Patris Lumumba instead of Cambridge, but, as a good team player he does not want to undermine the village council’s hard-earned reputation for very moderate intelligence. His boss and colleagues would feel threatened if they thought there was someone with high intelligence among them.
VILLAGE Puritanism has been another socialist value the comrade mukhtar has brought to the country in the last year. This is why his God-fearing, atheist interior minister has been religiously pursuing the closing down of the cabarets.
He would say that he was not trying to close them down, but merely clean them up and raise the standards of the shows, but this would be a disingenuous claim – he may as well ban artistes from taking their clothes off when pole-dancing. Cabarets without vice and low quality dancing would lose all their custom.
It is becoming abundantly clear that the government is opposed to us having fun. This is why the comrade mukhtar has also stated that he would never sanction the opening of casinos. I fear we will see many more manifestations of his God-fearing Puritanism in our society over the next four years. Do not be surprised if you hear of plans to make adultery illegal as well.
THE SPITEFUL war declared by the self-regarding Paphite health minister, Christos Patsalides on private health and in particular the American Heart Institute (AHI) continues.
Regular customers will remember how Pats had initiated a campaign in Phil, publicly accusing private clinics of allegedly overcharging patients and of his intention to send patients abroad rather than to private hospitals in Kyproulla, in order to save the taxpayer money. You knew this was just a lame excuse because saving money is the last thing on the government’s mind.
We also reported the dirty war he was waging against the AHI (telling patients that the government would pay for them to have heart surgery at the Onassion Hospital in Greece but not at the AHI) because one of its doctors had wounded his fragile Paphite ego and subsequently refused to apologise to him.
Now, the scheming Pats has found an even nastier way to gain revenge on the disrespectful doctor of the AHI. He is using the Paraskevaidion Transplant Centre (PTC) as a way of hurting the AHI, which is currently building a massive, state-of-the-art hospital on the outskirts of Nicosia.
The Paraskevaidion wanted to move out from its current premises and signed a contract with the AHI so as to be housed at the new premises when they are completed. Pats heard of this and has been pressuring the Centre not to honour its contract, insisting that it should move to the new Nicosia General Hospital.
The trustees of the Centre declined his invitation, but this was not the end of the matter. They were told that if they moved to the AHI premises, the government would set up its own transplant department and the Paraskevaidion would not be given organs by the state hospitals which had access to donors.
How reassu
ring that the wounded ego of an insecure Paphite is the key factor now determining health policy. But then, it’s all you can expect from a village council.
THIS provincial behaviour, almost certainly has the approval of the comrade mukhtar, whose ideological hostility to the private sector is no secret. Screwing the private health sector would have been fine, if state health was not such a monument to mismanagement and incompetence.
A few days ago, Pats’ biggest fan, Phil, reported how the state hospital had run out of surgical consumables and certain operations had to be postponed. Laparoscopies were put on hold as well because the hospitals had run out of the supplies. Apparently, suppliers had refused to deliver orders because they were owed large amounts of money from the government.
Pats is obviously too busy working on destroying the private health sector and giving exclusives to pretty health correspondents to bother with improving the piss-poor standards of the state health sector.
THE GOOD news is that Pats is considering standing as a DIKO candidate in the European parliament elections. We urge people to give him their vote as his election would be the best thing that could happen to the state health service. I would not be surprised if the American Heart Institue contributed a few euros to his election campaign.
ONCE AGAIN we would like to raise our zivania glass to our village council and to wish it a happy anniversary and to carry on wasting our money, because bankruptcy is no disaster when it is for a good socialist cause.
PURCHASES of rampant erection pills (also known as erectile dysfunction medicine) such as Viagra, Cialis and Levitra, have fallen drastically, according to a report in an Athens newspaper. The report attributed this to the economic recession which has caused depression and lower sex drive. The fall in demand for the wonder pills was particularly big among the low income groups said the report.
But as our picture shows, resourceful Cypriots have found a much cheaper substitute for the pills – good-old-fashioned Cypriot pastellaki. At a couple of euros a bar, pastellaki seems the perfect solution. And as a bonus it will make your hat feel better as well.
