Winter heating allowance is a fiasco

Sir,
As happens every year, heated altercations are breaking out in our village square and tavernas on this vexed subject.

Who is eligible? Who is not? Why are there several lists doing the rounds? Many thought the allowance had something to do with winter or heating or both. The truth is not a bit of it.
I consulted an impeccable source and was given this year’s government rules. They are very simple. 1) Only villages over 600m (above sea level) are eligible; and 2) only residents who have actually lived in the village for an average of five days per week between July 1 and December 31 qualify for the allowance.

So, if you have any sense you satisfy your residence requirement by staying at home through the baking summer months, thankful that you opted for air-conditioning when the house was built. And when Christmas comes round, you pocket your Winter Heating Allowance thank you very much, switch off the heating system and head for that delectable golden beach in the Antipodes for three or four months, secure in the knowledge that the full force of the law is behind you.

I’m struggling here guys, does this make sense to you?
 
I.M. Frozen
Tophouse
Milehigh Village, Troodos
(Name and address withheld)

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