OUR WISE, erudite and visionary comrade president, we are thrilled to report, was awarded an honorary doctorate by the European University of Cyprus on Wednesday.
We have lost count of the number of honorary doctorates he has been awarded – he is probably running out of wall space for them – but Wednesday’s was of particular significance as it was the first he was ever awarded by a Cyprus university.
“This honouring, for me, constitutes a very moving moment because it is the first time that it takes place in my beloved country, Cyprus,” said the comrade, adding: “Throughout my journey I tried to support with deeds and actions my principle that a systematic and scientific approach was essential to the analysis, the decisions and even the tactics of a political grouping and of course of the politicians who lead.”
It was an illuminating revelation by comrade Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr Tof, because it helped us understand some of his decisions. It helped us understand that his decision to appoint Akis Papasavvas as deputy Attorney General was the result of the “systematic and scientific approach” he adopts, as a matter of principle and was not a case of rusfeti as his detractors would have us believe.
What I would like to know is how a university arrives at the decision to give an honorary doctorate, particularly a Cypriot one, which has seen the man’s less than impressive performance as prez? Whose idea was it to honour the comrade and what was the academic justification for it?
Was it part of a marketing strategy, aimed at attracting more Akelite students? The European University’s vice-Rector, Costas Gouliamos, whose expertise is marketing, I hear, had nothing to do with the decision as he is a friend of the comrade and served as his advisor in the past.
THE HONOUR bestowed on him was a “vindication” said Dr Tof. Below is the vindication in his own words.
“The recognition of the contribution and work of a political person, who modestly offers his entire being towards the sacred cause of the vindication of the country and his people, by people who constitute part of the academic community and the intelligentsia of the country constitutes vindication; vindication, if not for the results, at least for the sincere, honourable and strenuous effort.”
The Akelite youths of the Proodeftiki student movement had a simultaneous orgasm on hearing about the vindication of their modest leader and issued an announcement, congratulating the European University for “recognising the work of the President who modestly contributes with all his powers towards the sacred aim of the vindication of our country and its people.”
The ecstatic reaction of the commie youths added a North Korean touch to the honouring of the modest leader. It could also prove a brilliant marketing ploy by the European University, which might become the place where all brain-washed, Akelite, Tof-worshiping youths wanted to study.
THE GRADUATION ceremony, during which the honouring took place, turned into a bit of an embarrassment for the university authorities. They had scheduled five minutes at the start of the ceremony for the modest comrade’s acceptance speech for his doctorate.
But the comrade had other plans. After reading half of his prepared speech, he decided to abandon his text and treat the audience to an off-the-cuff lecture about world affairs that would allow him to show off his broad knowledge and prove that he richly deserved his 20th doctorate.
He spoke about the evil US and the CIA, poor old Colonel Gaddafi, General Pinochet, the situation in Afghanistan and Cuba from his Marxist/Stalinist perspective. Repeating his familiar Cold War clichés about imperialism that he learnt to parrot when studying in the Soviet Union, he had his eyes fixed on the faculty members, like a self-regarding professor imparting his indisputable wisdom, to naive students, in awe of his powerful intellect.
After 35 minutes of listening to the comrade doctor’s incoherent musings about the evil West’s conspiracies against humanity, the some 400 students waiting to receive their degrees became impatient. They were hot in their academic robes and wanted him to end his lecture and sit down, but he carried on.
So one smart parent, eager for the ceremony to proceed as he had come to see his kid graduate and not to hear the doctor’s boring lecture, started clapping and within a few seconds the whole auditorium did the same, in the hope he would get the message.
He did and he was visibly upset, as he turned red, started huffing and slowly shaking his head. Devastated by the snub he went to where the rector and vice rector were sitting to consult with them. He then turned back and told the audience something along the lines of, ‘I understand you wanted me to stop but you should show patience; I thought students and their relatives wanted to hear the president give an analysis about international events.’
Quite clearly they did not, and the deeply wounded comrade learnt a valuable lesson on Wednesday. An honorary doctorate might be a vindication but is not a licence to bore people.
FOR MONTHS we had been waiting for the government to get the approval of its union masters for the measures that would supposedly tackle the structural problems of the economy.
Our good friend Charilaos (who has stopped talking to our establishment for some time) had a meeting with the union bosses several months ago and said that his comrade leader would step in. But then we were told that such a meeting could not take place while there was an election campaign, so we had to wait a few more months.
This week, the comrade doctor found the courage and finally met the union bosses, but there were no tough measures. We waited all this time so he could have a meeting to persuade the public parasites boss Hadjimourmouris, and his flunkeys from PEO and SEK, to agree for €35 million to be cut from the public sector wage-bill this year and the next. The ridiculous 1.75 per cent cut was included in the budget for this year, before parasitic approval had been secured. The miserable PASYDY boss agreed to a cut from parasites earning a gross salary of more than €1,500. Of course it would not really be a wage-cut because his members would still receive CoLA and move up the wage scales – at worse, this big sacrifice would mean high-earning parasites would receive the same salary as last year.
We were waiting all these months for this pitiful, drop-in-ocean measure, which had been budgeted and will certainly not prevent the next downgrading of the economy in two to three weeks’ time. Moody’s people were here last week and have already informed the government of the good news.
It is only a question of time before the comrade doctor will have accumulated more downgrades of the economy than honorary doctorates.
TO PERSUADE his union masters to make the big sacrifice, the comrade came up with another resoundingly idiotic economic measure. He decided to collect €1,000 from every company in Kyproulla over the next two years.
It was quite a surprise that he persuaded the representatives of the bosses to unanimously agree to the measure. We now know that a little blackmail was used to secure the employers’ acceptance. The comrade told their reps that the levy was a condition for the unions making the big sacrifice of accepting the pay-cut that would not reduce their members’ wages.
The ridiculous levy is estimated to raise €80-100m each year, which is grossly optimistic, considering that a business would pay the amount only if it had profits for the last three years. Of the 50,000 Cypriot companies I doubt more than 5 per cent would be eligible to pay. The 120,000 foreign companies registered here will contribute, once their accounts are completed in the next four or five years.
These economic measures are emphatic confirmation of the comrade doctor’s boast that his decisions are always the product of a systematic and scientific approach, to what the union bosses command.
ACCOUNTANTS had their AGM on Thursday and some of them complained that the thousand euro levy would harm Cyprus’ image as a business base with an attractive corporate tax rate. Accountants were always considered boring and a bit dull, but never stupid.
The popular view may have to be revised in the light of this momentously dumb concern. Are the accountants being serious in claiming that a foreign company would consider not coming to Cyprus because of having to pay an annual levy of €1,000 to the government.
Auditing firms, which charge a foreign company a grand to send two letters on its behalf and 10 grand to give a two-page tax advice, are concerned about a tiny annual levy harming Cyprus image? If auditing firms with their extortionate service charges have not made Cyprus unattractive as a base for foreign businesses, I do not think a levy of €85 per month would.
Our accountants need to realise that fleecing foreign companies is not their exclusive right and the government is also entitled to take a tiny piece of the action.
DEFENDER of consumer rights, Phil, which carries indignant reports whenever the prices of tomatoes, cucumbers and other vegetables are too high (it also carries reports when prices are too low because farmers are being paid peanuts for their produce) has decided to broaden its coverage of consumer issues.
On Monday it informed its readers that the market had run out of drugs, which meant there was a danger of profiteering. Its intrepid crime correspondent reported the following:
“The relevant authority is watching the disappearance of drugs from the market with anxiousness, because, according to the speculation, one of two things is happening: either the traffickers are afraid of the increased measures taken by YKAN (Drug Squad) and have stopped the import of big quantities, or they created an artificial shortage in the black market with the aim of increasing prices.”
The situation was being observed by the YKAN who feared that heroin doses would be adulterated thus putting lives at risk. There was also another risk for junkies. “It has been noticed that some (junkies) go to the occupied areas for their dose, a dangerous practice, as nobody knows what they are buying.”
This was in stark contrast with the free areas, where drug pushers sell heroin with HACCP certification. In the free areas we also have the Consumer Service of the Commerce Ministry to which drug pushers could be reported for profiteering or selling low-grade smack. And we have Minister Paschalides who could impose a plafond if he felt junkies were being ripped off.
I HAVE reached the end of this week’s Shop and realised that I have written nothing about the forced resignation of the head of the EU presidency secretariat Andreas Moleskis.
I decided I had to write something in case readers thought I was Moleskis’ friend and had chosen not to criticise him. Some might have thought that I said nothing about him because he had given a job in the secretariat to one of my kids. Unfortunately he resigned before he had the chance to grant my request and sort out a job for my cousin.
But what should I write about him? The guy has been one of the most loyal and trusted courtiers of the comrade doctor, was rewarded with a cushy post, and used it to help his family and friends as well as all those Akelites the president asked him to give jobs to.
Moleskis behaved like a true Kypreo-Kypreos and I really cannot understand why everyone got so angry when he was caught. What man in his position would not have tried to help his future son-in-law?
Only comrade leader would have had the principles to resist such a temptation. His son-in-law was appointed at the palazzo only after he had married the daughter and the appointment was based on the systematic and scientific approach to rusfeti.
