PARANOID hysteria and mass anxiety spread like a cholera epidemic among the Cyprob warriors, as soon as Ban Ki-moon finished reading the statement about the failure of the Greentree meeting and the timeframes he had set for the completion the talks and for the holding of the colossally undesirable multilateral conference.
Within minutes, the knives were out for the bungling village idiot, who, despite being strengthened by the three ‘nos’ sanctioned by the National Council, failed to utter a single one of them (or if he did, he was ignored) when Ban set his timeframes for the conclusion of the talks.
You almost felt sorry for the comrade as his embarrassingly moronic plan for ‘never-ending talks despite his sincere wish for an agreement’ collapsed and now he has to wear an oxygen mask to cope with the asphyxiating timeframes and double his police guard because the bash-patriotic warriors are baying for his blood.
Two of them, Rikkos the Eurocock and Koulias the Supercock have already called for his resignation, while Dr Faustus’ disciples, Omirou and Lillikas have demanded that he should step aside and allow someone else to be our side’s negotiator. They stopped short of proposing a successor.
Being the coward that he is, the comrade has gone into hiding since the Ban statement, leaving his AKEL flunkeys to take the heat and defend his incompetence, as had happened after the Mari blast. He may even address the nation this week and announce the appointment of an investigating committee to establish who was politically responsible for the Greentree fiasco.
THE COMRADE spoke briefly to Cypriot hacks, immediately after Ban’s shocker, and defiantly told them that there was no timeframe for a multilateral conference. Ban was merely expressing his intention to call a conference but only under certain conditions, he claimed, which meant ‘late April or early May’ was not a timeframe.
The real timeframe was at the end of March when Ban would ask Big Bad Al if there was adequate progress to call a conference and Al would answer affirmatively, on the grounds that there would never be any progress in the talks and because the EU wants a settlement, at all costs, before Cyprus takes over the EU presidency.
This was evident, when Big Bad Al briefed the members of the Security Council about the Greentree meeting. Germany’s representative was extremely pushy telling Al to get on with it and make sure there was a deal by the end of June, because the EU does not want to have to deal with the intractable problems that would arise if a divided Cyprus took over the presidency.
The comrade gave instructions that no mention of what the German representative had said was included in the report sent to Cyprus foreign ministry about the Security Council meeting. He did not want anyone in Kyproulla to know that his friend Angela Merkel fully supported the timeframes and the multilateral conference.
SINCE Greentree, the presidential camp has been engaging in the only thing it knows how to do – propaganda. Apart from Stef-Stef and the Katsourides clone Chris-Chris, Andros Kyprianou has been claiming that there were no timeframes, and that the attacks on the great leader were motivated by “political expediencies and personal ambitions, while the national interest is relegated to secondary importance.”
“While the President was engaged in a difficult battle for Cyprus at Greentree, some people here were weakening him,” said Andros urging us to unite behind the great leader. He also joined in the attacks on Big Bad Al as part of the propaganda strategy aimed at deflecting attention away from the great leader.
Defence Minister Eliades also joined the effort, announcing that the three-party meeting at Greentree had failed, because of Turkish intransigence and that now “unity is not just a necessity but a condition for our survival.”
While the AKEL propaganda machinery is devoting all its powers to defending the great leader, is it not relegating the national interest to secondary importance?
MEANWHILE the bash-patriots have been out in force creating Annan plan conditions, in preparation for the multilateral conference. The only risk is that the paranoid hysteria may have peaked too soon. Big Bad Al whom we all love to hate, has become the target of universal abuse, vilified as a totally biased Turk-lover that eats Greek babies for breakfast, garnished with tomatoes illegally imported from Turkey.
All the parties have been demanding that he be replaced immediately, because he is to blame for everything. Meanwhile the bash-patriotic tree-hugger Perdikis has undertaken a brave initiative. He has been in contact with all the parties in order to persuade them to support a House of Representatives’ resolution, declaring Downer “untrustworthy and undesirable.” The resolution will follow a debate in the House on Thursday about “the dark role played by Downer in the Cyprus problem.”
If the resolution does not rid us of Big Bad Al, our establishment will organise a lynch-mob, as soon as he is back in Kyproulla, to march up to the Nicosia Airport. Details about the meeting place and time will be included in next week’s shop. Everyone is welcome. We are trying to persuade Perdikis to lead the mob – we have promised to use recyclable missiles – but have still to receive an answer.
A CUSTOMER who wanted to register his company for VAT, decided to try doing this through the internet. After a Google search he was directed to the government portal and to his surprise found the VAT registration form 101; he was impressed that there was even an option to add the relevant attachments to the form.
He filled out the form, but when he tried to submit it the website gave him the message that the operation could not be completed. He pressed the ‘Submit’ command a few more times but every time he got the message that the submission could not be completed.
To establish what the problem was, he called the VAT service and informed an employee what had happened and asked whether the system was down or there was something else he should have done. He would not have been treated with more rudeness if he had asked to sleep with the official’s wife.
The irritating member of the public was condescendingly told there was no such web-service, he did not know what he was talking about and that if he wanted to submit Form 101, he had to go to the VAT service in person and fill it in by hand. The rude official made one concession to our customer – he put him through to his superior.
Polite and helpful, in stark contrast to his subordinate, the manager expressed genuine surprise to hear about the existence of electronic forms. The customer gave him the web-address so he could check out for himself and after a couple of minutes the startled manager apologised for the inconvenience caused.
He was in charge of the registration service, he said, but did not know the VAT forms were available in electronic format on the internet, as nobody had informed him. Probably because it will take another three years before the government’s programmers arrange for the form to be submitted electronically
Our customer still had to go to the VAT office, fill in the form by hand, queue at two desks, first for someone to stamp the form and then for someone to enter it into the system. Has PASYDY vetoed electronic forms to protect public sector jobs?
ALL IS not well at the Inland Revenue Department either. Another of our establishment’s customers was recently informed that the Department had taxed him twice for rent income and was entitled to have €1,500 returned.
But as everyone knows this is not a time when Inland Revenue returns money it owes. Our customer was told that he would be taxed for ‘company car’ benefit which would leave the department owing him only €7
50, which it had no intention of paying.
As a compromise, the tax official proposed that he could also be taxed for ‘company car’ benefit for the next two years (a 50 per cent discount) and thus would be owed no money. Fair is fair – you just can’t argue with the taxman because even if the law is on your side there could only be one winner.
JUST ASK our good friend Charilaos who, despite being in charge of the Inland Revenue Department, for the three-and-a-half years he served as finance minister, was still hunted down by the taxman after he left office.
The dispute is over a few hundred grand he was paid by the B of C over and above his provident fund and other retirement dues which were not taxable. The taxman insists that he should pay tax on this amount while our friend’s accountants insist that the amount was not taxable.
Funny how Inland Revenue, not only waited until Charilaos left office before investigating his tax returns, but also leaked the case to the press. I am no accountant, but my friendly advice to Charilaos is to pay up now and cut his losses, at the hands of the vindictive, heartless and merciless taxman in the future.
GREECE’S top film director Theodoros Angelopoulos died on Tuesday in Greece after being hit by a motorcycle and inspired a host of tributes on the island. On Wednesday EUROKO issued a statement expressing its deep sorrow and praising Angelopoulos’ work. The statement was carried by the Cyprus News Agency service.
Among other things it said: “The loss of the great creator, renowned film director, true artist Michali Cacoyianni(sic) who honoured Greek civilization all over the world…”
Sixteen minutes later CNA sent out another report informing subscribers to ignore the previous one about Angelopoulos. In the second statement by EUROKO, ‘Michalis Cacoyiannis’ was replaced by ‘Theodoros Angelopoulos’.
Cacoyiannis’ a Greek Cypriot film director passed away in July last year and the party used the same heart-felt tribute it had written for him for Angelopoulos, as they were both a “great creator, renowned film director, true artist (insert name) who honoured…”
EUROKO’s press officer must have been so distraught by the news of Angelopoulos’ passing he messed up the copy-paste tribute.
THESE primary teachers really have a nerve. On Friday their union POED called a one hour work stoppage because as part of the austerity drive, the government was not hiring supply teachers, to stand in for teachers who were on sick leave. The Parents Associations have come out in support of POED’s demand, which is supposedly for the benefit of the kids.
Call me cynical but all the teachers’ dynamic measures are always for the benefit of the teachers. They want supply teachers so that they can carry on taking the full quota of their sick leave which is a staggering 42 days.
LAST WEEK’S Coffeeshop had a couple of omissions that were pointed out by customers. I had referred to the writer of The Triumph of Bullshit as TS, when it should have been TS Eliot. And I was also criticized for assuming that readers would know who Willie Nelson was. I apologise for making such an assumption. In my not so humble opinion, Nelson is one of the greatest country singer/songwriters in the US.
I WAS informed just before closing the Coffeeshop that one of the glitzy monthly magazines published a very revealing interview with the sophisticated Mrs Garoyian, who reportedly speaks candidly about her relationship with Marios, her love of doner kebab and her dream of a fair and just solution to the Cyprob. We promise to have more about her interview next week, when we get a copy of the rag.
