By Preston Wilder
In the year 2065, assuming we’re still around as a species, old-movie fans will be watching Ted 2 on their iWhatevers, chuckling with affection or disdain and going: ‘That is so mid-10s!’. Will marijuana be legal in 2065? Or will it have been superseded by some ultra-safe chemical high you can take as a pill, or wear as a wristband? Will the US have an openly gay President? Or will the pendulum have swung back to values currently deplored as ‘heteronormative’? No-one knows, but one thing’s for sure: there’s never going to be another film – especially a film so obsessed with marijuana and (less so) gay rights – about a teddy bear fighting to be recognised as a person.
That’s the plot of Ted 2, in which the now-married teddy and his (human) bride want to adopt, only to be stymied by a declaration that Ted, being a toy, is merely “property”. Our hero insists he’s a person – leading to the question, what makes a person? “The important thing about being human is making a contribution to society,” says wise old lawyer Morgan Freeman, which seems a bit harsh; by that definition, not only would Ted not be human but neither would his buddy John (Mark Wahlberg), given that he mostly sits around the house smoking weed. Samantha (Amanda Seyfried) reckons it’s about having feelings, and Morgan Freeman ultimately agrees: what makes a person, he opines, is self-awareness (which he tests by asking Ted what his name is) and empathy, i.e. “complex emotions”. But then, by that reasoning, couldn’t a dog be a person? It responds to its name, and is certainly capable of empathy. It’s all very complicated.
Ted 2 is fascinating; it’s also stupid. Politically speaking, it makes all the right noises; it also makes other, disturbingly vulgar noises. Critics tend to laud movies seen as ‘progressive’, but this one hasn’t been embraced – maybe because it’s assumed that writer-director Seth MacFarlane (who also does the voice of Ted) is being opportunistic, latching on to the equality bandwagon. Ted, after all, compares his situation to both gay marriage (“I’m standing up for me, and I’m standing up for the homos!”) and African-American slavery – but the film also has a gay-panic joke, our heroes shuddering at the sight of a bong in the shape of a giant penis, and also boasts a recurring gag about the ubiquity of “black cocks” on the internet (“Did you mean ‘black cocks’?” asks Google whenever they try to Google something). It’s pretty funny, but still: you can’t have it both ways.
Is the film funny? To be fair, it has its moments – though that may just be a case of low expectations. By now, I’ve grown to accept that any Hollywood comedy is going to be abysmal in terms of pace and structure, worth watching only for the random gags scattered in the background – and Ted 2 has a smattering of good gags, probably more than the original (which I didn’t enjoy). I smiled at the notion of a South Korean president named Non-dick Bong, smiled when our paranoid heroes try to destroy John’s porn-infested laptop, smiled at the duo’s stoned deconstruction of the opening credits to Law and Order, smiled at a Liam Neeson cameo that basically asks whether there’s a limit to the situations where Liam Neeson can apply his trademark intensity (answer: there isn’t). I smiled at the jokes about Samantha being pop-culturally illiterate, and the jokes about Amanda Seyfried’s Gollum-like eyes – which Sam doesn’t get, being pop-culturally illiterate (“Who’s Gollum?” “Um … she’s a model.”). I even smiled at the one about Arizona State University’s team mascot being a broken condom, and I don’t even know why.
Ted 2 has a very specific vibe – a loud-and-proud working-class vibe that’s laddish, belligerent, anti-intellectual, based on loyalty to friends and contempt for polite society. Samantha is endlessly mocked for being ‘smart’ (i.e. college-educated). Healthy living is also mocked – John and Ted like to go up on the roof and pelt joggers with apples – ditto anyone who claims to like salads. Weed is adored because it makes you sloppy and non-aspirational, plus it’s illegal to boot. The film has a gay couple – but they’re macho bullies, the opposite of the stereotypical effeminate gay (or saintly-victim gay), so they get the seal of approval. There’s a lot of anger in MacFarlane – but anger sometimes makes for hilarious comedy, and of course Ted 2 mixes wilfully dumb stoner humour with intriguing (if half-baked) ideas on what’s going on right now in mid-10s Western society. To quote the other, unrelated TED: ‘Ideas worth spreading’.
DIRECTED BY Seth MacFarlane
STARRING Mark Wahlberg, Amanda Seyfried, the voice of Seth MacFarlane
US 2015 115 mins
