By Patroclos
REGULARS will know that this is the month I have my annual moan about the dearth of news in Kyproulla as it makes my work more difficult. It is the month when even Trito radio station runs out of subjects for the politicians to comment on and plays songs on its morning current affairs show.
Life is empty for us pervert news-junkies when we turn on the radio at 7.15am and do not hear an Akelite deputy telling us about the need to disengage from the memorandum or some Edekite warning of attempts to close the Cyprob or a Disyite stressing the need to restrict the powers of the Central Bank governor.
The other afternoon I was in the car and put on Trito at about 6.10pm to hear the 50-minute news show, which is the highlight of the news-junky’s day, but to my great disappointment I heard ‘Black Betty’, a big hit of the seventies, followed by ‘Doctor, doctor, Give me the News,’ a naff hit of the eighties, which at least had a news theme.
Trito’s news show had shrunk to a news bulletin of few minutes, because all the politicians and union bosses had gone on holiday and were not making banal statements about the important matters of the day for the broadcaster to report. And in the last four days, the lead story on the radio shows was for once an actual news story: Egypt.
I know I should not be complaining because there was real news on the radio or because I was deprived of hearing idiot politicians uttering their worthless views for a few days. But I have to write something. I can’t fill the page with songs.
ON WEDNESDAY morning, Trito featured sombre, patriotic songs on its news-show, because it was 39 years ago to the day that Turkey’s second major offensive commenced. This allowed me to hear a tearjerker song about what a wonderful village/town Morphou was.
I had heard the same mournful Morphou number for the first time a day or two earlier on the same station and wondered whether it was a new hit of the occupation repertoire or an old one that I had never heard. Trito played it again on Friday morning, August 16 being the anniversary of the seizure of Morphou (as well as 36 years since the death of Elvis) by the Turks. With so much air-play, it could become the big hit of the summer.
There are songs dedicated to Kyrenia, Ammochostos (not Varosi) and Pentadaktylos so it was only fair that a miserably boring tune was also written about Morphou, its undistinguished past, its patron saint Ayios Mamas and its citrus fruit orchards.
You have to feel some sympathy for the person that wrote the lyrics, because Morphou (was it a village or a town) is not the most inspiring place to write a tribute song about, nor does it have much of a history to glamorise. Lack of things to say, could explain why the song kept repeating the chorus, ‘Morphou, Morphou’.
But it just doesn’t sound like Sinatra singing ‘New York, New York’.
ONE ASPECT of Morphou’s recent history was missing from the song. It made no mention of the fact that when Morphou was offered back to its inhabitants in 2004, under the satanic A-plan, they voted against its return.
In this way they safeguarded their human right to write tearjerker songs about the continuing occupation of their beloved town/village. It also allows its leading citizens, headed by firebrand MEP Antigoni Papadopoulou, to visit the ambassadors of the five permanent members of the UN Security Council on August 16 every year, and hand them a resolution demanding Morphou’s return to its inhabitants.
After the round of the embassies on Friday, they went to the palazzo where they handed a resolution to the secretary of the Council of Ministers, as the prez was on holiday. He told them about prez Nik’s ‘sensitivity’ over the return of Morphou, while Antigoni, on leaving the palazzo, told hacks:
“I echo the sentiments of every Morphite and every Morphitissa in saying that Morphou is not up for negotiation.” The Turks must return it unconditionally, beg us to take it back or Antigone will tell them to keep it, as she heroically did in 2004.
ONE OF THE very few successes of the Tof government which you can count on one finger was to drastically limit the sexual exploitation taking place at cabarets. The restrictions on the issuing of artiste visas imposed in 2009 (dancing diplomas, 10 years dancing experience with the Bolshoi and philosophy degree required) had caused a sharp fall in the number of artistes.
From 1,200 in 2009, the number of artistes/entertainers from non-EU countries fell to 352 in 2011 and to 191 last year. However the interior ministry has admitted that sexual exploitation had not been eliminated by the strict visa regime but has now moved from the cabarets, to pubs, massage parlours, apartments and even coffee-shops (not this coffee-shop, which is a very respectable establishment).
Pimps are a resourceful bunch and neither the recession nor visa restrictions were ever likely to make them give up their lucrative, tax-free businesses – they just find new premises.
CABARET-OWNERS, many of whom were forced to close their sleazy joints, are now trying to make a comeback and reclaim the title of kings of sexual exploitation. They requested and were granted a meeting with the interior minister Socratis Hasikos, provoking the wrath of NGOs, who issued a joint statement urging the minister to rescind his decision to see them.
At the meeting, scheduled for the end of the month, the cabaret owners will try to persuade Hasikos to relax the restrictions on the issuing of visas for artistes. Press reports suggest they will request a return to the pre-2009 visa regime and they have a very compelling argument to support the request.
More visas would mean many cabarets would re-open, thus creating jobs for Cypriots – respectable jobs as bar-men and pimp-waiters – the socially responsible owners, who want to help their country in these difficult times, have been arguing. They could help our economy even more if they forgot about the visas and hired Cypriot artistes now there is such high unemployment among the young.
WE CAN always rely on the chairman of the investigative committee for the economy Giorgos Pikis to bring up 1974 in his questions. Questioning the governor of the Central Bank Panicos Demetriades on Tuesday, Pikis asked him whether he agreed with the view expressed by his predecessor in a letter to comrade Tof, dated July 18, 2011, comparing the economy’s situation to 1974.
The professor said he did not agree, because in 1974 there were 200,000 refugees and we had lost 70 per cent of our productive capacity, at which point he was cut short by Pikis, who said, “I know, I know, I am a refugee from Ammochostos.” If he knew, why did he bother asking?
WE CYPRIOTS love to find reasons that allegedly support the idea of our Kyproulla’s uniqueness. We have several entries in the Guinness Book of Records, for making the world’s biggest sheftali, the biggest flaouna, the biggest donner kebab and longest bridal veil.
Until a couple of years ago we also had the most restaurants, kiosks and furniture shops per thousand people in the world. We now have another world first, which nobody has made too much fuss about.
Nicosia is the first capital in the world in which a Hard Rock Cafe closed down after operating for just seven months. In all other cities the Hard Rock franchise has been a phenomenal money-spinner, but in Nicosia it flopped big-time, eventually closing down, owing money to everyone including the franchise company.
Sometimes you wonder about the sanity of Cypriot entrepreneurs, who appear unable to accept that our Kyproulla is a midget country, incapable of generating the custom they budget for. Hard Rock Cafe Nicosia had a capacity for 300 guests, floor-space of 560 square metres, two bars and a live music area, for the many bands we have.
These may have been the right specs for a cafe in Manhattan or central London, but for a midget, budget town like Nicosia? In another entrepreneurial master-stroke, Hard Rock Cafe prices were unaffordable to 80 per cent of Nicosia’s tiny population. It was a death-wish business model.
I NEEDED a new passport and decided to go to the highly praised and much-touted Citizen’s Service Centre KEP, which is meant to be the fastest and most efficient state service. It will issue you an ID card, while you waited and the staff will even take your photograph I was told by more than one person.
I went there on Monday at 11am, with my old passport and completed application form. There were about 200 people there, oblivious to the sweltering heat and humidity, on the pavements, in the car park, in the middle of the street and on ledges, holding forms, smoking and shouting while waiting to be served. There was also a long queue out of the door.
Apparently everyone was there to replace their medical cards for the state hospitals. I left and decided to return first thing on Friday morning when the masses would be away on holiday to get my new passport. I was there at 7.55am (it opens at 8am) and there was already a queue of 30 people waiting for the doors to open.
I do not do queues at state offices, but talking to someone in the queue I was informed that I could have a passport or ID issued at the Nicosia District Office, so I went there. I was served immediately, and within 15 minutes I had my picture taken and a new ID card issued. It cost only €20 and was issued immediately, whereas the passport would cost €70 and be ready in two weeks.
So if you want a new ID card or passport go to your local District Office because the KEPs will be hosting crowds for the next six months. Some 200,000 new medical cards have to be replaced or renewed.
SPEAKING of state services, the miserable PASYDY boss Glafcos Hadjiklamouris was moaning last week because the working hours of his public parasites will change from September 1 and they will no longer be able to leave work at 2.30pm.
The new working hours, approved by the legislature last year as part of the memorandum, mean parasites will not leave work before 3.30 at the earliest while some will have to stay on until 4.30, which is still an earlier finishing time than the private sector.
Hadjimourmouris has been complaining that there was no dialogue between the union and the finance ministry and that the latter had ignored PASYDY’s findings which showed the government would not save any money through the new timetable. As no money will be saved, as was the troika’s goal, the law for the new hours should not be implemented, insisted the law-abiding parasite chief.
But the troika’s goal was not just to save money. It was also to ensure government departments served people for more hours every day. But offering a better service to the public is not in the collective agreements PASYDY signed with the government.
The agreements make it very clear that the public is obliged to serve public parasites and I fear we would not be keeping our side of the deal if we force them to stay at work longer than they want to. If Hadjimourmouris feels we would offer the parasites a better service by not troubling them after 3.30pm we should respect his wishes.
WE WOULD like to remind our loyal clientele that on Thursday comrade Tof will be appearing before the golden oldies committee to explain that he was blameless in the collapse of the economy. Anyone who would like to throw eggs, tomatoes or water melons at him, shout abuse or pour paint on his car, should be outside the international conference centre by 9.30 at the latest. The session is scheduled to begin at 10am.
