WE WOULD like to apologise to buyers of the Sunday Mail because the last two paragraphs of the previous Shop were not published in the newspaper edition, even though they were included in the online version.
We do not know how this happened, but the omission led some customers to ask why our predictions for 2012 did not go beyond April. This was because they had not read the final paragraph which advertised today’s edition, saying, “Join us next week to find out how the stand-off with Turkey will develop, the other presidential candidates and whether comrade Tof will give in to the pressure to stand again.”
In the penultimate paragraph, about what would happen in April, we said: “Pressure on comrade Tof to stand for re-election becomes intolerable after the arrival of Russian and US navies, reports Haravghi. Many leading personalities were on their knees begging him to stand again.”
Below are our expert coffee-cup reader Ttaoushanou’s predictions for the remaining eight months of the natural gas-blessed 2012.
MAY
Big Bad Al, after a long break during which he underwent therapy designed at helping him overcome his Cyprob traumas, returns to Kyproulla to re-take charge of the peace talks which had continued slowly but steadily in his absence, under Lisa Buttenheim.
Talks recorded significant progress on the chapter of government especially with regard to federal garbage collection and postal services, although the uniform of the federal police force remains a contentious issue.
Speaking of postal services, it is announced that the last of the Christmas mail has finally been delivered. ‘Better late than never,’ is the new slogan being used by the Postal Services, which urged people who were ordering Christmas presents via the internet to do so by the end of July if they wanted to avoid suffering a similar experience this year.
Meanwhile, Turkey, humbled and humiliated by the arrival of the Russian and American navies in the Eastern Mediterranean with the sole aim of protecting Cyprus’ sovereign rights, in a retaliatory action announces it would start drilling in plot 8 of our EEZ. The EU is too busy negotiating its 25th rescue initiative for the euro-zone, to pay any attention, while the US and Russia inform comrade Tof they would not intervene. Negotiations with the Israeli government for hiring a dozen fighter-jets break down after the failure to agree a price.
Our good friend Charilaos is appointed governor of the Central Bank, after the government decides not to give a new contract to the neo-liberal, market-worshipping Orphanides. Apoel is knocked out of the Champions League.
JUNE
Three hours of daily power cuts are imposed by the Electricity Authority after the Turkish authorities decide not to supply us with electricity in yet another piece of retaliatory action. The two units at Vassilikos are still undergoing repairs and will not be ready for another four months, so the government passes a law banning the use of air-conditioning units, hair-dryers, electric shavers, frappe-mixers and elevators.
Power cuts during our EU presidency, that starts in July, would be a big embarrassment for our state, but labour minister Sotiroulla Charalambous comes up with a brilliant plan which not only spares our blushes but also tackles the problem of rising unemployment. All asylum seekers, illegal immigrants and non-EU workers are hired by the government and used to produce electricity mechanically, pedaling non-stop on giant cycling machines. This creates thousands of job vacancies in other sectors which are snapped up by unemployed Cypriots happy to work on pig-farms and petrol garages for the minimum wage.
This brilliant plan, plus his wise handling of the Turkish threats, prompts even more leading personalities of our society to beseech the comrade to seek re-election. He remains non-committal, but promises that he will make a decision by October, after consulting his mother.
JULY
Cyprus’ presidency of the EU is off to a good start with Nicosia initiating negotiations on a number of issues and coming up with a proposal for saving the euro, reducing unemployment and banning the operation of the free market.
The black July anniversaries are increased from two to three, despite angry protests by the Akelites, who argue that it is a travesty to add the Mari blast to the twin crimes. The Mari blast, they argue, was not caused by foreign powers conspiring against Kyroulla, but by the incompetence of the state services (for which the president had no responsibility) and could not be regarded as a crime. However, the indignant citizens are re-awakened for one night to attend a mass rally outside the palazzo.
The Turkish fishing boat, baptized an exploration ship, heads to plot 8 of our EEZ, accompanied by two frigates, to drill for hydrocarbons, it is announced, sparking mass hysteria among Greek Cypriots. The government decides to commandeer all vessels used for sea-sports at the tourist resorts – speedboats, pedalloes and canoes, banana-boats – fit them with machine guns and send them to plot 8 to defend our sovereign rights. Several bash-patriotic Ninjas, including Dr Madsakis, who, brandishing a missile launcher, is pulled on one of those sea-parachutes so as to give the flotilla air cover, join the task-force. On seeing our task force, the Turkish boats retreat, setting off wild celebrations in Kyproulla.
Marcos Baghdatis wins Wimbledon.
AUGUST
Bad start to the month as the Supreme Court upholds the appeals filed by public parasites against the law that docked their monthly wage. The law is deemed unconstitutional by the Supreme Court on the grounds that the pay cuts were a violation of the collective agreements and also affected judges’ salaries.
This is a disaster for state finances as the government now has to pay back all the money it had deducted from the parasites’ wages since last October. Not only will the budget deficit veer out of control, incurring big EU fines, but the government does not have the funds for all the back-pay it owes. Hadjimourmouris rejects a government proposal to give Cyprus Airways shares and government bonds to the public parasites in compensation.
The problem is solved by the comrade, who flies to China and secures a two billion euro, low interest loan from the Chinese government in exchange for opening 10 more Chinese restaurants and making Chinese new year a public holiday in Cyprus. Until the loan comes through, the Central Bank sells its gold reserves to pay the parasites. The crisis is once again averted by the resourceful and decisive comrade, who is declared a national hero by the parasites’ union and urged to stand for re-election.
Meanwhile, Yiorkos Lillikas’ presidential candidacy is floundering after only Dr Faustus and the mukhtar of his village Panayia, express public support for him. He launches a scathing attack on Big Bad Al in an effort to kick-start his campaign but nobody takes any notice so he issues a vicious attack against the presence of the British bases.
SEPTEMBER
The economy is showing signs of recovery thanks to internet gambling. A survey conducted by the government finds that the majority of customers of internet gambling cafés have become millionaires, earning much-needed foreign currency for the country and making our balance of payments positive. This sparks renewed calls for a clampdown on tax evasion.
Although the majority of Cyprus’ banks have met the new capital requirements set by the EU without needing to be bailed out, the government is considering bailing out a big supermarket chain, the debts of which are threatening to bankrupt a dozen of its major suppliers, which it has not paid in over a year. The suppliers, owed millions, are in danger of liquidation and the government is consi
dering bailing out the supermarket to save its suppliers and protect jobs.
Towards the end of the month, DISY Fuhrer Nice Nik announces his decision to stand in the presidential elections. During his news conference, he dismisses rumours, circulated by AKEL, that he would have the People’s Republic of Kyproulla renamed the Federal Fifth Reich in the event that he wins. His candidacy is viewed with suspicion by most of the newspapers on the grounds that he was a supporter of the Annan plan; a leading Phil columnist insists that he should apologise to the people for this treachery, before asking for their vote.
Marcos Baghdatis wins the US Open and there are torrential rains in Paphos.
OCTOBER
During the Independence Day parade four T80 tanks break rank and take positions in front of the podium on which the proud comrade president is taking the salute. All four point their guns at him and after a minute of deadly silence, a well-known personality raises his head out of each tank (no names were given by the coffee cups) and they issue an ultimatum to the comrade – if he does not stand for re-election they will fire at the crowd. He reluctantly gives in to them to avoid bloodshed.
The clampdown on tax evasion is implemented very zealously by Inland Revenue inspectors and 500 secondary school teachers are found to owe a total of €20 million in taxes for income from private lessons. Teaching unions threaten to step up corporal punishment in schools, with an indefinite strike looming, if the authorities do not drop the cases against teachers. A tax amnesty is granted by the comrade to all poor, tax cheats (undeclared income under 300 grand) as the clampdown was aimed at catching the ‘filthy rich’ and not crooked teachers.
Late in the month, the comrade’s candidacy receives a big boost after he is publicly congratulated by Chancellor Merkel for the smooth handling of the EU presidency.
NOVEMBER
Big Bad Al reports significant progress on the chapter on governance, predicting that it would be closed before the end of the year, several months before Greentree 5 was scheduled to take place in New York. But the UN has no intention of pushing the two leaders towards an agreement, he noted, because it finally recognised that inconclusive talks is the only way to keep the Cyprob alive.
With the Fuhrer trailing behind the comrade in opinion polls, Nik decides to make a public apology for supporting the A-plan in 2004. He pledges never to agree to a settlement if he is elected – not even if he negotiated it – because it would never have the support of the newspapers and the TV stations.
His apology, interestingly, is made in the same week as the year’s most eagerly-awaited book launch. Yes, Michalis Ignatiou finally publishes his bombshell about the millions of bucks paid to Greek Cypriots by the US prior to the 2004 referendum to secure support of the A-plan. All the names of the traitors are given as well as the exact amounts they had received. Calls to join a lynch mob for dealing with the greedy traitors appear on web-sites and newspapers, while Ignatiou is nominated for the Pulitzer.
DECEMBER
Hydrocarbon explorations have hit more natural gas deposits. The latest find is estimated in the region of 50 trillion cubic feet, which means that once we start selling the gas we would never have to work again in our lives. The latest find is so big that the comrade generously offers 20 per cent of our turnover to Turkish Cypriots, as long as they agree to keep the Cyprob talks going for another 10 years.
Several explosions rock the centre of Paphos a few minutes before midnight on the last day of the year, but the 12th coffee cup gave no more information.
That’s it for today. We thank Kyra Ttaoushanou for her scientific coffee-cup reading and excellent forecasts. And remember to stay positive as the natural gas dollars will eventually start pouring in.
