IN TIMES of tragedy, it is very difficult for a piss artist who looks at the absurd and ridiculous side of Cyprus life to do his job. There was plenty of absurdity in the last six days but it was the type that provokes tears rather than laughter.
Thirteen men were killed on Monday, three of them teenage conscripts, thanks to the brainless, bungling incompetents that run this country.
Fifty per cent of our power production capability was destroyed after the new Vassiliko power station (cost: €1 billion) was blown up thanks to the same brainless, bungling incompetents, who ignored continuous warnings of impending disaster.
We are talking about the same brainless, bungling incompetents who have been dealing with the continuous warnings about the impending collapse of the economy in the same way – employing the tried and tested do-nothing-but-pray-for-a-miracle policy.
But the killer blast has at least helped them come up with an action plan for dealing with the aftermath of the disaster – a couple of the president’s yes-men resign and then a one-man investigative committee is set up to solve the big mystery of who is ‘politically responsible’.
Although most people assume that the man in charge of the horror show is ultimately responsible, this is quite clearly not the case, because it ignores a basic fact – the infallibility and wisdom of our comrade leader.
THE ONE-MAN investigation will be carried out by big-shot lawyer Polys Polyviou, a representative of the old money set of Nicosia, first cousin of our friend Charilaos and brother-in-law of Tof ally, Kypros Chrysostomides.
The product of a privileged upbringing, highly-educated, well-connected and wealthy Polyviou is the sort man that every Akelite worth his salt should hate with passionate intensity. He is the enemy of the working classes. This is probably why he was chosen by the commies to carry out the investigation – he is not one of them and therefore would be considered impartial and objective.
He made his intentions clear in a news conference on Friday when he said that “no-one would be outside his investigation”, not even the president, who nevertheless has nothing to worry about thanks to his proven infallibility.
Our learned friend has been trying a bit too hard to persuade hacks that he would be merciless in apportioning responsibility for the disaster, but then again he is dealing with deeply suspicious and cynical journos.
What the cynical journos forgot to ask Polyviou was how much he would be paid by the state for conducting the investigation? And is there any incentive scheme whereby he would get a bonus payment if he found all the people who were politically responsible for the disaster?
ANOTHER two questions need to be answered regarding this one-man-show. Why was a one-man committee set up? Normally, you would expect two or three people on an investigative committee as it would work faster and the findings would not depend on the judgment of a single person.
A one-man committee sounds like a surreal joke, a bit like a one-man sex orgy. I know it would be cheaper to have one member on the committee than three, but are things so bad that we can’t afford a multi-member committee?
The second question is why was a lawyer chosen to carry out the investigation? No knowledge of the law is needed to establish who was responsible for the disaster, as the investigator would not be looking for criminal responsibility. Couldn’t the job have been given to three academics, who charge a lot less than lawyers?
We could probably have set up a three-member committee of academics for the price we are paying for one lawyer and they would have the added advantage of not being cousins Charilaos.
Then again, nobody could muddy the waters and confuse people with his findings better than a smart and experienced lawyer. Everyone knows that lawyers are experts at complicating the most straightforward and clear-cut issue.
THE JOB of complicating the issue, until now, has fallen on the comrade’s spokesman and his Akelite protégés, Damianou, Loucaides and Bambos. On all the TV shows discussing the disaster, the president is represented by one of his dour spokesmen and an AKEL deputy.
In true Goebbelian manner they all repeat the same story – the president knew nothing about the problems of the containers, had never been informed about the small explosions and was not aware that they had to be moved from where they had been parked.
The other myth was that there had never been any ‘official’ offers by any countries to take the containers. In the cables – made available by WikiLeaks – sent to Washington by the US ambassador Frank Urbancic he stated clearly that Germany had made such an offer, while the British High Commissioner had suggested taking the containers to the bases.
Of course no official offer was made once the head of the president’s diplomatic office had rejected the suggestion, after consulting his boss. When other panelists continued to cite the contents of Urbancic’s cables, Tof’s spokesmen came up with ultimate defence – well you can’t believe everything an American ambassador says.
It is a well-known fact that Yank ambassadors even lie to their own government, in stark contrast to the virtuous spokesmen of the Tof government who always speak the truth, even if this harms their boss.
ALL THE Akelites appearing on TV talk in exactly the same, slow and deliberate way. They never raise their voice or change tone and they never lose their temper or get animated. There is no passion, spirit or life in them, as they stick to the same monotone delivery, no matter how much they have been provoked.
Does the party oblige them to take tranquilisers before every public appearance or does it make them undergo some kind of brain surgery that eliminates all signs of human spirit as soon as they sign up for AKEL membership?
The speaking style and smug arrogance are very much the same as the out-of-favour comrade, Nicos Katsourides – so much so you could be fooled into thinking that he fathered all the young, front-line Akelites.
Deputy government spokesman and Katsourides clone, Christos Christofides may have raised his profile in the last week, when he was given the task of protecting the comrade’s reputation on TV, but I doubt he has won any friends. This charmless young man has a permanent scowl on his face, speaks in the trademark monotone drone, never ever shows any sign of human emotion and is about as likeable as a cockroach.
If comrade Tof thinks having people like Christofides defending him on TV would help him restore his wrecked reputation, he has even poorer judgment than his fiercest critics debit him with.
THERE is a mitigating factor for his poor judgment, which I hope Polyviou will point out in his investigation findings. His dogmatic communism which makes him hate the West and want to be on good terms with West-hating totalitarian Arab regimes.
The only reason he kept the 98 containers of gunpowder in Cyprus was because he did not want to displease the senders of the cargo, Iran, and the recipients, Syria. This was why he refused any suggestion of handing the containers over to Western countries willing to take them. His spokesman claimed that the government had done everything the UN’s Iran Sanctions Committee had asked of it. He also boasted that the government had earned kudos from the UN for its handling of the issue.
But why had the government, which co-operated so closely with the UN, turned down a request by the Sanctions Committee to send UN inspectors to open the containers and make a list of the contents? I suspect it was because the comrade had given assurances to the governments of Iran and Syria that he would ensure the safe keeping of their containers. He failed in that respect as well.
On the day of the blast, the ambassador of Iran had a hastily arranged meeting with the president in order to establish what had happened to his containers. I hope he told him off.
THE BLAST has sparked an unprecedented phenomenon – nightly public demonstrations outside the presidential palace, calling for the comrade’s resignation. It is the first time in the history of Kyproulla that people are demanding that the president step down.
It is also the first time that so many, well-heeled, high income individuals are taking part in public protests. This is a middle class uprising against the proletarian president whose incompetence is threatening their standard of living and the future of their kids.
There are plebs in the crowds outside the palace as well, but never before have so many Ralph Lauren and Lacoste polo shirts been seen at a political protest. Apart from Tuesday night, when a bunch of hooligans hijacked the protest and attacked the cops who retaliated with an abundance of tear-gas, the protests have been very civilized and good-natured affairs.
Some of the speakers may have expressed rather extreme views, but otherwise the protests have been very middle class events. On Friday night only a thousand people turned up (probably even less last night) because the middle classes spend the weekends at their holiday homes at the beach.
HARD-CORE protesters have declared they would be at the palace every night until the comrade finally resigns, but the truth is he will not budge. The guy is so determined to hold on to power, he was not even prepared to offer an apology for the destruction caused by his government, lest anyone interpret this as an admission of guilt.
The truth is he has the full backing of the political establishment. The political parties may have given him a lot of stick, but none of the leading politicians have demanded his resignation. None of them would want to take over the scorched earth left behind by the political equivalent of Inspector Clouseau.
They are all happy to leave him to deal with the mess he has created, not to mention the Cyprob talks and the imminent economic disaster which he and his flunkey Charilaos have caused. I bet if Polyviou’s investigation finds that the comrades had no responsibility for what happened on Monday, none of the opposition parties would be complaining.
Without the backing of the parties the protesters are unlikely to overthrow the comrade. They could try storming and sacking the palace.
ON MONDAY, the postponed national council meeting on the economy is scheduled to take place. We have heard that the one held 10 days ago did not go as well as the participants claimed after it had ended.
Apparently the comrade president angrily opposed most of the proposals submitted by the parties, ranting and raving that his ideology could never allow him to sanction measures that would harm the interests of the workers (we should specify he was defending the interests of the public parasites and not the real workers). His defiant message was he would rather the economy sink than betray his ideology.
And when it sinks the one-member committee will be re-activated in order to find out who was politically responsible. Charilaos would have already resigned, so his cousin’s committee would have no problem undertaking the investigation.
THE BLACK anniversary gathering at the presidential palace that was scheduled to be held on Friday was postponed and will now be held on Tuesday. I do not know who had this smart idea, but what would the comrade do if the protesters gate-crashed his extravaganza and started jeering him during his speech to condemn the coup and the invasion?
Will he remember to thank the occupation regime for giving us some pseudo-electricity from its pseudo-power station during his speech? The pseudo-electricity might allow us to switch on our ACs, and keep the middle class protesters off the streets.
