Thunder and lightning in the clouds. A man emerges from the ocean. “Poseidon!” another man greets him. “Zeus!” replies the first man. The men are Olympian gods, though they both have matching stubble and favour a semi-casual, jacket-and-jeans look. They meet on a rooftop, and Zeus admits he’s furious because someone’s stolen his lightning bolt; the bolt must be recovered, or terrible things will happen. Mention is made of Poseidon’s son. Cut to Percy Jackson (Logan Lerman), an ordinary teenager in an ordinary high school (“It’s like high school without the musical,” observes his friend Grover). Percy’s pretty ordinary, but he does have one remarkable talent: he can stay underwater for minutes at a time. “I just like being in the water,” he shrugs in his ordinary-teenager way. Hmm … could Percy Jackson be the long-lost offspring of Poseidon, God of the Sea, and therefore not an ordinary teenager but in fact a Greek demi-god? Maybe that’s why a deep, stentorian voice occasionally creeps into his thoughts, saying things like: “Be prepared! Everything is about to change, Percy!”.
We’ve been here before, of course. Percy has a turbulent home life – his mum has unaccountably married a beer-swilling pig with a “pungent odour” – but turns out to be a “really special person”. Apprised of his true identity, he goes to a school for really special people (in this case a camp, “
Percy Jackson is a guided tour of Greek mythology – it’s a good year for Olympians; the new Clash of the Titans remake comes out next month – though the theme-park approach is a mixed blessing. The usual bromide is to say this kind of thing acts as a gateway for kids, prompting them to read the actual myths – but since Percy and his friends have been upgraded to teenagers (PJ was a pre-teen in the book) it’s unlikely the target audience will take the bait, and anyone familiar with the originals may find it exasperating to see bits of Hercules (the Hydra), Theseus (the Minotaur), Perseus (the Medusa) and The Odyssey (lotus-eaters) jammed in together with no acknowledgment of what’s what. It’s like Greek Mythology: Greatest Hits, or perhaps Greek Mythology: The Food Court at Your Local Shopping Mall.
Meanwhile, the film trundles on – it’s about half an hour too long – occasionally slipping into an unpleasant macho tone (“Heads up!” quips Percy after beheading the Medusa) and substituting political correctness for any real imagination. Our hero has been diagnosed with dyslexia and ADHD, only to find these are actually “great gifts” (told you he was special). His allies are a woman, a disabled person (Pierce Brosnan as a wheelchair-bound teacher who turns out to be a centaur) and a sidekick who’s both black and disabled. Potentially witty bits – like a pen which is actually a sword, implicitly riffing on the adage about the pen being mightier than the sword – aren’t explored, director Chris Columbus preferring instead to play AC/DC’s ‘Highway to Hell’ on the soundtrack when our heroes find themselves on the highway to Hell (i.e. the Underworld). There they meet Hades, who’s described as “a weirdo” – a line from Homer, though only if you mean Homer Simpson.
Percy Jackson isn’t awful, for a rip-off. There’s a certain buzz to seeing Greek myths updated, Olympian gods played as deadbeat dads and Percy using his iPod to fight the Medusa. But you don’t have to be a Classics scholar to find the film mediocre. Special effects are uninspired – lots of monsters with big teeth, basically – and the plotting at the climax is nonsensical (an increasingly common Hollywood malady): I won’t spoil the identity of the Lightning Thief, but it’s still absurd that he gets into a showdown with Percy when his entire plan depends on the lightning bolt not reaching the Olympians – all he has to do is abscond with the bolt and it’s game, set and match. Instead we get a showdown, then the inevitable father-son reunion between Poseidon and his sprog, then the inevitable return to camp and Pierce Brosnan smiling gruffly at his favourite student, then the camera inevitably soaring away as the happy campers of
