It’s the most surefire marketing concept since that long-forgotten remake of The Omen came out on June 6, 2006 (6/6/6, get it?). Take the trendy – though now rather tired – notion of separate-but-linked stories that made Crash and Babel so talked-about. Add an all-star cast, which is not a problem for director Garry Marshall since he’s been in the rom-com business for decades – his biggest hit was Pretty Woman – and knows all the stars, or at least their agents. Have the whole thing take place on Valentine’s Day, then of course release it to cinemas worldwide on Valentine’s Day and rake in the cash from couples who decide they want to see it (or at least the girl wants to see it, and the guy tags along because it’s cheaper than taking her to dinner). There it is: pure genius.
What’s that you say? Haven’t we forgotten about love? Not at all – love is there too, in between the sitcom dialogue and carefully parcelled-out screen time (working out those star salaries must’ve been a bitch). Married love is there, as is young love, and just when you think they’ve forgotten about homosexual love Marshall and his writer produce that one as well, like a fifth ace.
Ashton Kutcher is a florist in love, handing his beloved (Jessica Alba) an engagement ring as the film begins. Anne Hathaway is a temp in love – though they’ve only been dating for a couple of weeks and Anne hasn’t yet told her man about her second job as a phone-sex operator, threatening punters named Vladimir with kinky whippings. Then there’s Jennifer Garner, who’s in love with Patrick Dempsey. Patrick’s a divorced doctor who likes to juggle, as a kind of party trick – but in fact, unbeknownst to Jenny, his juggling is symbolic juggling. Patrick is juggling women as well as balls and oranges, because he’s still married and keeping Jenny as his mistress. Beware the juggler, ladies!
That’s not all, not by a long shot; after all, as Ashton exclaims, “Everyone’s romantic on Valentine’s Day!”. Also in the mix are a teenage couple who decide to take advantage of V-Day to lose their virginity, only to find it’s not so simple; a “lovesick”, apparently motherless 10-year-old boy who orders flowers for the object of his affection; nice old couple Shirley MacLaine and Hector Elizondo; and Julia Roberts, the Pretty Woman herself – even getting in a reference to shopping on Rodeo Drive, though only in the closing-credit outtakes – as the world’s least likely military officer, flying back from (presumably) Afghanistan for a few hours with the love of her life. Plus of course George Lopez (familiar to CyBC viewers from The George Lopez Show) as Ashton’s ethnic sidekick, though – being an ethnic sidekick – he has no real personality and gets saddled with lines like “I don’t dilly-dally, I only oopsy-daisy”.
Lopez is part of a constant background chorus – nurses, receptionists, waiters, tour guides accosted by their angry girlfriends, Indian families sitting down to dinner, toddlers sharing a kiss, a skateboarder sweeping into frame to hand a red rose to his lady – who comment on the action, making for a jam-packed, fast-moving film that goes down surprisingly well, bearing in mind how contrived it is. Some of the contrivance is almost inspired, like MacLaine doing a kind of duet with her younger self (24-year-old Shirley in Hot Spell, projected on a giant outdoor screen) – though some of the contrivance is also absurd, notably the way everyone in the film turns out to be connected. If you thought Crash stretched the limits of plausibility, wait till you see how the teenage girl is also the babysitter of the 10-year-old kid whose friend’s family own the restaurant where the delivery-boy is also the teenage girl’s beau and the customers include Jennifer Garner who’s also the teacher of the 10-year-old … oh, never mind.
Yes, all right – but is it romantic? It’s Valentine’s Day, after all. Hard to say, given how much of a product the whole thing is – a film set on Valentine’s Day, designed to be shown on Valentine’s Day – but in fact the tone is genially old-fashioned (no surprise that the teenage-sex plot goes nowhere, a reminder that Marshall is the conservative who made Raising Helen some years ago). Everyone gets what they deserve, which isn’t exactly hearts-and-flowers but at least it’s satisfying. Ashton Kutcher fans will be happy – though he’s rather poor in goofy mode, and was better as a heartless Lothario in Spread last year – Anne Hathaway fans will be happy, Jennifer Garner fans will be happy, Julia Roberts fans won’t necessarily be happy (she barely flashes that famous smile) but at least they get to see her again. You kill two hours, the studio makes money. What’s love got to do with it?
