“I wonder whether they have a driving test in Cyprus,” my friend in the passenger seat mused, as another car doing 160kph or thereabouts pulled out to overtake us in the teeth of oncoming vehicles.
I found myself wondering what the driving test would be like, if there were one.
Tester: Before we start, Mr Kaoz, may I be sure that you have taken care of your mirrors?
Candidate: Definitely. As you can see, I’ve removed the glass from the wing mirrors, and the driver’s mirror is focused on the rear seat in case the baby throws up.
Tester: Very good. Now let me see you test your indicators.
(The candidate hunts vaguely round the steering column, and eventually finds a possible stem. He moves it up and down,)
Tester: No cheating, Mr Kaoz. Turn on the ignition, and try again.
(Mr Kaoz does so. There is no reaction from the repeater dashboard lights.)
Tester: Very good. How did you make sure that the indicators would not work? And if you were in another car, how would you solve the problem of its indicators’ working?
Candidate: I took the fuse out of this car, but some cars share that fuse with other more important applications like blue lights round the windscreen, so I would take the amber bulbs out.
Tester: Say you found yourself driving a car with the indicators that had not been disabled. Give me two examples of when you would be particularly careful not to use them.
Candidate: Going round a busy, five-exit roundabout to show where I am turning off.
Tester: Good example. Another?
Candidate: Turning right across moving traffic on a busy main road. Especially if there are pedestrians who are crossing the street having assumed I am not turning into that street.
Tester: Excellent. Now a few questions on road signs.
Candidate: (Obviously growing in confidence.) I think I know my road signs pretty well.
Tester: I hope so. Tell me, then, the meaning of double yellow lines.
Candidate: That’s an easy one. Thank you. Double yellow lines mean that you can park there any time of day or night for as long as you like.
Tester: Good. And what does the absence of yellow lines mean?
Candidate: You can park on the pavement, or double park.
Tester: You’ve certainly worked hard to learn your theory. Full marks so far. Now some questions on traffic lights. What does amber indicate.
Candidate: Nothing. It is there simply to remind us of the days when Cyprus was a British Crown Colony. As traffic lights were introduced at that time, they should be ignored.
Tester: So what does the red light indicate?
Candidate: That if you don’t miss the person who has the green light in his favour, he will have a stronger insurance claim… If he has insurance.
Tester: And a red light at cross roads with a three-lane approach?
Candidate: A red light does not apply to cars turning left or right. My previous answer applies to those going straight on.
Tester: Very good. Now let’s go on to the practical test. Turn on your engine. Top revs. Close your eyes – no cheating. Pull out when you feel like it… Very good. Doesn’t the smell of burning rubber turn you on? Now, as we go along I’m going to test you on the emergency bleep, and I’ll take your reaction time. When I kick the door and hold my clipboard up in front of your face and shout a number, I want you to beep your horn that number of times as quickly as possible.
“You do realise you’ve just driven straight through a red light?” said my friend.
I came out of my reverie with a start.
“Just testing,” I said.
Patrick Nobes
Salisbury, Wiltshire, England
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