ABOUT A year ago I told a colleague of mine I would never ever have an affair. His reply was: “Famous last words.”
Six months ago I was having lunch with my cousin when she told me about this friend of hers who has been involved with a married man for the past five years. She is 35 and he is 55. She spends weekends, birthdays and holidays alone. Christmas is the loneliest time of the year for her. She doesn’t go out and never goes on dates. He has no intention of leaving his wife and three kids. She no longer talks about how miserable the situation makes her. Her friends no longer want to hear about it.
Ten weeks ago I was flying home from a business trip to Zurich. I met a man. We clicked. We talked about everything. From spirituality to sexuality, politics, family and friends. It was only when the plane was about to touch down that I thought to ask: “Are you married?”
He paused. The answer was yes. He then referred to his wife as “the mother of my children”. What a shit. I’m sure she thinks of herself as a lot more than the vessel that carried his seed for nine months and rightly so.
The shutters came down and I put him out of my head. I knew we’d had chemistry but he was married. Beyond the ethical dilemma it was a matter of self-preservation. Win-win for him, but lose-lose for me.
A few weeks ago he rang me at work. I nearly fell off my chair. He wanted to meet for lunch to discuss a work-related issue. It actually turned out he was some hotshot client and I couldn’t get out of it.
To be honest, I didn’t want to get out of it. I was intrigued. I wanted to see him again. I wanted to see if the chemistry had been real. I hadn’t stopped thinking about him since we’d met. He reminded me of my father. He seemed like the type of man I wanted to be with. He was married. He wasn’t happily married. I didn’t know his wife. He might be unhappy. We could be soulmates. He could leave his wife. He was married. He’d made a commitment. He was ruthless. I liked him. He was a real man. He was married.
The day before our lunch, he rang me. I’d given him my number so we could set a place and time. In the days running up to our meeting I’d managed to convince myself that it was purely business. He wasn’t really interested in me. He was interested in discussing a business proposal. He’d simply chosen to discuss it with me because he’d met me. I was simply his way in. Nothing more.
Wrong. Five minutes into our conversation and I realised it was a date. At least I thought it was because it was less about where we were going to go and eat and more about how I was and what I’d been up to since we’d last met. He then apologised and said we’d have to meet a bit late because of a meeting he had on the next day and gave me some line about me being his priority the next day.
The vibe I got was that this was anything but a working lunch. The minute we hung up I wasn’t sure though. I mean, he was married. Maybe he was just being friendly? Maybe I’d read him wrong? Maybe he was just bored? Maybe I was the one who’d been talking too much and had kept him on the phone?
The next day I had the runs. The last time I was this nervous and emptied my bowels was when I was 15 and I used to sneak out.
Why the hell was I nervous? I wasn’t going to have an affair with him! I was going to make that crystal clear. I might not even fancy him. He might not even fancy me. In fact he probably doesn’t fancy me.
I wore a high neck dress that was very loose fitting and flat shoes. No need to show off my curves or legs in a pair of heels. My hair was washed and I’d applied my Molton Brown body cream – admittedly only used on special occasions – but that was it.
The first 10 minutes were awful. I think my hands were shaking and I couldn’t hold his gaze. What was wrong with me? I eventually managed to calm down. We spent the next three hours talking about everything.
As we talked, I relaxed. Yet still my mind waged war with heart. He’s married. He wants to have you as a mistress. You like him. He’d take you on fabulous holidays. He’s controlling. He’s greedy. He’s deceitful. He’s dynamic. He’s powerful. He’s sexy. He’s selfish. He’s married.
I flirted shamelessly. He did too. At one point I wasn’t even sure if he did fancy me. I tried to talk about his children and wife. He was happy to. He made it clear he’d never leave them.
The last 30 minutes were spent discussing his business proposal. That’s when he suggested a follow up lunch to discuss it further. And that’s when I told him no.
I said it would be a bad idea and he knew exactly why. He told me I didn’t mince my words. Then he managed to get me to agree to a business meeting at his office. It was something about his gaze. I was like putty in his hand. He even said he’d bring me this rare delicacy back from an upcoming trip to Japan and show me how to cook it. I didn’t quite take in what that meant until later.
Once out in the fresh air and back at the office I was able to regain my senses. I was even indignant. How dare he think that I would be his mistress! I’m in the prime of my life. A catch. And yet here is this man who has made a commitment to another woman trying to have an affair with me. He wants to enslave me with promises of what? Of nothing. How selfish is that. Why would I want to become involved with him? The fact that he thinks he even has a chance is insulting. How desperate does he think I am?
I am vulnerable though. And I am attracted to him. So what do I do? Well for now I’ve arranged that another colleague attend this business meeting in my place and as for me, I’m going to do some major phone call screening. At this point he’s just too big a temptation. I’ve seen friends of mine go down the married man route and I’m just not willing to put myself through that. I can do better. I deserve better. I will do better.
