ONE OF the most annoying things about being a woman is thrush.
Who the hell wants to get a yeast infection in her genitals? No one in their right mind, that’s who.
Thrush is one of those awful things – you can get it from sex, diet or antibiotics. A gyno once told me you could even get it from the sea or if you wear those panty liner things.
The problem is trying to explain to your partner that you’re not actually ‘dirty’. If he’s mature, sexually experienced and not a complete moron then he’ll know that it’s a yeast infection. Vaginal suppositories for moi and external cream for lui.
The thing is getting him to actually apply the cream is nothing short of a miracle since most guys can’t be bothered. Unless he’s actually got symptoms, convincing him he’s a carrier is next to impossible.
I’ve yet to actually meet a man disciplined or considerate enough to actually bother with the whole cream application thing. It’s also really mortifying to have to tell a new sex partner that you’ve got thrush and you need them to undergo the treatment. Especially if that partner looks less than impressed and you suddenly find yourself getting really defensive and blaming him for giving you the itches.
“Well, I don’t know where you’ve been, do I?” and the like.
I read once that women can get thrush as a reaction to sex. Specifically women who don’t want to have sex with their partners for other emotional reasons or who suspect their partners of cheating on them. It’s sort of their body’s way of protecting them because they are too uncomfortable to actually have intercourse and so can ‘get out’ of it by saying they have a medical ‘condition’.
I think that makes a lot of sense and know more than one or two women who get thrush an awful lot. Their partners also play away from home an awful lot. The theory maintains that the women’s bodies actually sense their partners are being unfaithful before they are actually able to consciously admit it to themselves. Again, you have to be a believer in psychosomatic symptoms. No guesses as to whether I’m one such believer.
What I’m not a believer in, however, are these weirdo therapeutic remedies involving yogurt. I wish I could say the remedy involves simply ingesting the stuff, but no, after a quick Google search, I determined that you’re supposed to dip a tampon in the stuff – note it has to be live yogurt and not your other commoner gardener stuff – and then insert it up your vagina.
You then have to wear panty liners because of leakage. Yucks. Oh, and get this: the remedy might not actually work because the cultures in the yogurt could actually cause irritation. Great. Explain that one to your gyno. It’s almost as bad has having to explain why you need some inanimate object surgically removed from your private parts.
In Greek the word for thrush is mikites. Isn’t that one of the worst sounding words you’ve ever heard? It sounds like something really dirty to me. Like fungus or something. I know it means thrush, but somehow mikites conjures up images of gungey discharge in my mind.
I’m convinced everyone else has the same visual and so insist on calling it thrush. When someone asks if I mean mikites, I play dumb and say I don’t know if that’s what it’s called in Greek. I know it’s just one of those stupid pet hates but I can’t help myself.
It’s a bit like a girlfriend of mine who can’t abide the thought of anyone thinking she drinks Coke. Her husband is an avid fan and every time she has to go and buy him a can she feels compelled to tell the person at the till that it’s not for her. She can explain this little quirk of hers no more than I can explain why I cringe every time I hear the word mikites.
One of the most embarrassing thrush experiences I had was at Boots in London. I actually wanted to clock the chemist. It goes without saying he was male, because only a stupid man would ask stupid questions about thrush.
Basically I had the usual symptoms and so, like most women, decided to self medicate and buy some Canasten– a “cream for effective treatment and soothing relief of external thrush symptoms”.
I go over to the counter to ask for it, when the bloody chemist starts asking me at the top of his voice: “Do you know what this cream is for?”
I nod my head quickly, willing him to just hand it over so that I can get the hell out of there and put some on.
“Have you used this product before? Do you know what the symptoms are?”
I was so on the verge of responding with: “Yes, bucko, I have an itchy vagina now hand over the frigging cream!” I didn’t think that would go down too well though and so just made do with turning a deep shade of red and stammering a succinct yes in reply.
Eventually, after what seemed like being given the third degree while a small queue of mostly men – Sod’s Law that – forming behind me, he handed over the cream. At this point I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole.
Bayer had decided to change its packaging to: “Canasten (in small print) Thrush Cream (in large print).”
Fantastic. Now everyone knew that I had an itchy vagina. Thanks Bayer. Again a decision made by men, because Bayer is likely a pharmaceutical company run by men. This is because only a man would suggest splashing ‘Thrush Cream’ all over its packaging. We women really don’t need to see it because we know only too well what it’s for and have no need for any clarification.
I hate thrush. I really, really do. It’s so uncomfortable and you can’t think about anything else when you’re in that itchy, raw red phase. It’s horrible. I wish men got the symptoms a bit more, especially if they’re the ones giving it to you.
The problem is you can also get it from condoms. It’s pretty much a lose-lose situation that. You’ve got to wear protection to keep yourself safe from STDs and yet latex can cause thrush in some women. Tough call for some, but I think I’d still opt for thrush over AIDS, Chlamydia, genital herpes or HPV.
A friend of mine was recently pregnant and told me she had it for the duration of her pregnancy. Nine whole months of thrush! I think I’d go off my skull. I honestly do.
So what’s the solution? No sex or antibiotics I guess. Yeah right, as if.
