WHAT do you do when you’re still in love with your ex-boyfriend and can’t admit it to anyone? Not even yourself.
To be honest, I don’t know if it’s fair to say I’m still in love with him. I don’t actually know how I feel.
I’m in this state of limbo where I’m not sure if I want to be with him again or not. All I know is it’s making me bloody miserable.
Up until two weeks ago, I had everything together. I’d have my bad days where I found myself pining for him and telling my friends he was the love of my life, but overall I had it together: I’d go swimming, was productive at work, had an active social life and my future seemed hopeful.
Then two weeks ago I missed him so much I almost threw up. I didn’t know you could miss someone that much. I tried calling a few friends instead of him but not one of them answered. I could have tried harder I guess, but somewhere deep down inside me I think I wanted to speak to him.
Since our relationship came to an end eight months ago, I’ve felt empty. Although I’ve tried to fill what feels like a gaping void in my life I’ve not done a very good job of it.
Before long, I’d started romanticising my relationship with him. He was the only person I never lost my temper with or got bored of. No one was as kind or loving as him. No one understood me as much as him. No one made me laugh more or felt more comfortable to be with. No one was him.
So I rang him. Next thing you know we’re spending the evening together and it’s just like old times. Nothing’s changed. The intimacy’s still there, as is the old, comforting familiarity. The problem is the doubts are still there too.
Two weeks on and I’m seven kilos heavier (I wish I was exaggerating but as a recovering bulimic I’m not), the notion of exercise has disappeared, I don’t want to go out, I’m having panic attacks, and I’ve taken a day’s leave to lie in bed all day.
I feel trapped and I don’t know what to do. Deep down I think I do know what I’m supposed to do but for some reason I don’t want to.
I don’t want to have to break up with him all over again, even though we haven’t exactly gotten back together. I don’t want to go through the pain of losing him and feeling all alone. I don’t want to feel empty and unloved. I don’t want to lose the comforting knowledge of having a partner in my life, a soul mate with whom I can overcome any obstacle…
Shit. Being alone is the pits. It’s a frightening and insecure place to be. Will you ever find someone to love again? Will you ever be happy with a man? Will a man ever love you? Will you be able to build a future with someone; a future that is made up of mutual trust, respect and common goals?
On the one hand you feel hopeful because your dreams of the sort of life you’d like to lead are tangible once again. You know that if you’re on your own you can set aside all the doubts and fears that you had, and you can do what you want and when you want without worrying about hurting anyone.
On the other hand, you wonder if you’ve made a mistake. The biggest mistake of your life. Here is a man that you love and yet, for whatever reason, staying with him causes you much unhappiness. What do you do? Do you stay with him and try and overcome the doubts? Or do you break free and start all over again with hope in your heart that next time you’ll get it right?
All I know is that despite having made myself miserable these past two weeks by doing some terrible damage to my emotional state, I’d not exchange them for the world. I’ve learned to accept that perhaps it’s time to move on and that just because I still love someone, it doesn’t mean I’m ready to get back together with them.
I also know that loving someone is a huge responsibility which means I have to consider my ex’s feelings. Although he’s an adult and no one forced him to spend time with me, I feel I’m hurting him by giving him false hope that we’ll get back together. I know I’ve been frank with him and made it clear that I don’t know if that’s what I want, but I’m afraid that deep down that is what he’s hoping for. He is the best guy you’ll ever meet and it tears me up inside to think I’m hurting him. I know that even if we never get back together I’ll always love him. I’ve tried to push it away but I think I just have to learn to accept that it’s going to take a very long time for me to move on. The thing is I think I’m going to have to move on alone without him. I know when I tell him he’ll accept it. There will be no tears or protestations of love. He’ll make it easy on me because he loves me. Because he’s the best guy you’ll ever meet.
