With more and more marriages ending in divorce it is sometimes incredible to think how long other people have been married for. We track down four couples who have all been married for at least 45 years to try and find out their secrets
Howard and Patricia Jordan
married since 1959
This couple challenge all those that believe couples who meet in pubs or clubs never make it. “We met in the cellar of a pub,” explained Howard Jordan, “while listening to traditional jazz”. It was 1958 and both Howard and Patricia were in the same pub. “We were both going out with other people and that night, we were on a double date,” Patricia said, “but our dates ended up leaving us alone, so that’s how we met.” And from then on, they “just kept on bumping into each other”. The turning point, however, came when Patricia was selling raffle tickets for an event. “I knocked on Howard’s door ready to ask him if he would be interested and ended up dropping all the raffle money at his feet,” she says laughing. “That was that,” adds Howard.
After 18 months, Howard and Patricia walked down the aisle and soon enough added two children to the family. Nearly 48 years later, the couple still declare their everlasting love and respect for each other. Of course, they have had their fair share of arguments and ups and downs because they are different characters with separate interests. “Howard is excessively tidy whereas I’m not but he doesn’t find it irritating. We’ve just learnt to live with each other’s habits,” Patricia said. Talking of habits, do they think that marriage is a habit? “In some aspect, I would say yes,” said Howard, “but it’s a good thing. You become one and what was once love and excitement, is now respect and eventually we became friends.”
The couple has lived a full life together in various countries, a total of 18 to be exact. “We traveled a lot because Howard was in the army and we changed 18 houses in 21 years, having two children along the way, one in Singapore and one in Germany,” explained Patricia, “but we ended up in Cyprus five years ago due to the great weather, among other reasons.”
So, what’s their secret? “In order for a marriage to work, both individuals must work at it,” they both said, “there has to be compromise on both sides.” Howard and Patricia both agree that divorces are popular right now because women are learning to be more independent. “When neither want to compromise, there will definitely be problems,” Howard said, “but we were OK because I got my share in the early part of the marriage as far as my career was concerned and now Patricia is getting hers.”
Joseph and Patricia Nolan
Married since 1942
Joseph, 94, is a fine upright, rather sprightly man, who wore his remembrance day poppy on the day we met. He described with pride how he first met his wife. “I was in the RAF and part of my job was to oversee the six-weekly training intake of WAAF’s (women’s auxiliary air force). I was asked by a fellow officer if I’d spotted the rather beautiful girl with red hair that had just arrived. And that was it; one look and I was determined to get to know her better.” He soon got his chance.
“I was performing in one of the camp’s musical revues and had to make very fast costume changes. Struggling back stage one night to extricate myself, there was Joseph eager to lend a helping hand. He at least get to know what I looked like in satin bloomers and a brassiere.”
Nine months of courting, then Joseph popped the question. “I was a bit taken a back to be honest,” Patricia said, “but I did respond by saying I would have to talk to my mother first.”
As they were married during the war, rationing was in force, so the dress was borrowed, a wedding breakfast was held at the local Express Dairy costing one shilling and nine-pence per head. The honeymoon, a rather disastrous trip to Bognor Regis where, just as they arrived at their lodgings Joseph was handed a telegram ordering him to report back to base so they caught the next train back home. Both were proud to be virgins when they married and when asked if they had any premarital contact, Joseph replied “believe me, I was just far too excited half the time to even know what I really wanted.”
Joseph, brought up a Catholic, believes in the absolute sanctity of marriage; he had taken vows that he was not about to break. But have they ever been tempted? Joseph freely admitted that a certain lady called Jessie when he was in Germany in 1945 could have given him some pleasure if he had indeed succumbed to her many charms, but didn’t. Patricia admitted when they were stationed in Pakistan, she thought one chap was particularly nice, but, nothing came of it.
So what is their secret? “There’s a terrible inflated value of perfection put on relationships these days,” Patricia Mary believes. “That’s the enemy of long-term marriages; this desire for perfection, the idea that as soon as the partnership doesn’t feel right it must be intrinsically wrong”.
Joseph believes times were different when they got married, if not better. “We came from a totally different era, the world was at war, we have always lived life being grateful for each other. The secret of a long and happy marriage? First, always give and take, look for companionship as well as sex, along with shared hopes and ideals, mutual respect is very important but, also crucial is the capacity to weather the bad times. Believe me, if the basic ingredients are there the more couples struggle through as partners in life, the more reason they have to stay together.”
Panayiotis and Eleni Kyriacou
Married since 1954
50 years ago, things were a lot different in Cyprus as far as marriages were concerned. There were no clubs or bars where people would meet, have a few drinks and fall in love. Panayiotis and Eleni Kyriacou met under circumstances, which were not only ordinary for those days but also compulsory. “It was an arranged marriage,” Eleni Kyriacou said, “of course, we weren’t obliged to marry if we didn’t like each other but thankfully, the feelings were mutual and we were engaged a week after we were introduced to each other.” Eleni’s older brother, however, was the one who had the final say before the couple got engaged. “We couldn’t find him on the evening we were introduced and Panayioti waited until midnight before going home,” explained Eleni. The next day, when her older brother came home, everything was set and the blessing received.
Nine months later, couple married and had their first child when Eleni was 19 years old. Another three followed and by 1961, the couple decided to leave Cyprus and headed for England, where they had one more. “It was very difficult to raise a family in Cyprus in those days,” explained Panayiotis, “so we decided to move somewhere where we could offer them a better life.”
Packing up and starting a new life put a huge strain on the couple. “We argued a lot and still do, quite frequently,” they both say laughing, “but we would never consider divorcing.” Those days, it wasn’t acceptable, so the couple has always learnt how to deal with issues that pop up. “When you’re married for so long, you learn how to compromise and that’s the secret to a long lasting marriage,” explained Panayiotis, “although to tell you the truth, it isn’t even a secret, it’s common sense.” But what about modern ways? “People go out more now and are more tempted to fool around or create other strains on their marriage,” Panayiotis said, “it really is tough being married these days.”
With 16 grandchildren and one great-grandchild, Panayiotis and Eleni are happy resting in their three-bedroom house in Larnaca, drinking tea and enjoying life. “And TV actually,” they said, “we watch a lot of soap operas and argu
e about those as well sometimes.”
Peter and Irmi Sheldrake
Married since 1953
Peter, 73, from Suffolk met Irmi, 75, from Germany when he was a soldier in the forces in Germany. “We met in Hanover Railway Station after being introduced by a mutual friend. Every morning we’d greet each other, however, it took a long time before we went out. We courted for a year, were engaged for a year then we got married,” said Irmi.
They married first in Germany in a Registry Office then later had a church marriage in England. “We’re lucky to have had two ceremonies and each year we celebrate both anniversaries,” said Irmi.
When they married, Irmi gave up her career as a professional ballet dancer and travelled with Peter, whose career in the forces took him to places as diverse as Scotland and Singapore.
“We’ve had a happy marriage, travelled well and met many friends over the years. We still visit our friends, recently we were in Australia. We also return to England and Germany on alternate years,” said Irmi.
Peter retired from the forces in 1995 while he was stationed in Germany. It was when that they decided to come and live in Cyprus. They have a very active social life with lots of good friends here in Cyprus.
Their marriage has weathered the worst of times, including the death of their only son who was 42. “We’ve had a very good life and still do,” said Peter. “I don’t think young people these days try to make a marriage work. A difficulty comes up and that’s it. They don’t really make any attempt to resolve any problems they might have.”
Irmi also agrees that young people these days give up too quickly. “Instead of trying to sort out their problems they just walk out and that’s the end of that. There are difficulties in all marriages, we had them as well but you have to give and take and learn to adjust to each other. In the beginning it wasn’t easy for me when I gave up my career as a professional ballet dancer. It also couldn’t have been easy for Peter having to deal with me,” said Irmi.
They do lots of things together, however they do have separate hobbies; Peter likes walking while Irmi likes needlework and still dances three times a week.
WHAT ARE THE NUMBERS
In 2002, marriages in Cyprus decreased to 10,284 people from 10,574 in 2001. In 2004, 10,931 people get married of whom 5,349 were Cyprus residents. In 2002, the number of divorces increased to 1,320 from 1,197 in 2001. One in five marriages presently ends in a divorce. In 2004, divorces reached 1,614
