JILL CAMPBELL MACKAY meets up with a few of them
NOBODY can ever be one hundred per cent sure that a marriage is going to work, what with the 40 per cent divorce rate and many more people stuck in grim misery together. We become perennial optimists, committing to a relationship in the hope and genuine belief that love and interest will not fade but will continue to grow and develop.
Over the past few weeks, I have spoken to over a dozen men living in Cyprus who, in the last three to five years, have divorced. They are all retired professionals who talked frankly about what it was really like to be a gay (in the old fashioned sense of the word) bachelor after years of being married.
The first thing I asked was did they still feel that they had sufficient faith in the institution of marriage to try it again? Eight of the twelve said they would commit again if they met the right woman but all confessed that they weren’t so sure any more who the right woman is.
Several of the men said they would only marry again if their new partner had grown-up children; none of the men interviewed wanted to start a new family with a younger woman. That’s not to say they would reject out of hand any overtures from young attractive ladies, but, as John told me, “I am 61 years old and I already have a grown-up family, of course there’s an attraction in having a relationship with a younger woman but I’m afraid these days the equipment that used to thrill and satisfy is seriously rusty, so I am looking for a woman who will give me companionship. OK also bit of sex, but she would have to have lower expectations. My passion has been converted into being comfortable, happy, and enjoying the years I have left”.
“My wife spent my passion as well as my trust when she had an affair with the next-door neighbour,” Michael said flatly. “I came here to Cyprus after I found out, then I divorced her. She kept the house in England and I now live in what was going to be our retirement villa.” A tall, good-looking man he hides his loneliness and feelings of betrayal well, preferring to focus on the adage ‘where there’s life there’s hope’. His hopes are now centred around a search for a comfortable, live-in relationship, where he can be looked after by a bright, intelligent, slim, attractive woman who won’t rip him off. He admitted to missing “the daily noises of domesticity. These days when I go shopping I have to come home to an empty house and prepare everything myself, when I was married I had my set jobs, my wife hers, and she was always buzzing around the house – I miss that feeling of being part of something, of having a structure to the day.”
So, how do these mature bachelors spend their days without the discipline of a working week to govern their lives?
“We do rely a lot on each other for ideas as to what to do, where to go, that sort of thing – we play golf, but invariably we try and get out and go places where single ladies might also be, so that’s either at social clubs, friend’s barbeques, on organised trips and the like. But we do tend to get a bit lazy, finding ourselves doing the same old stuff, meeting the same old people. What we really need to do is spread our wings a bit more and take off to other towns and check out the social scene there,” one said.
All agreed they would now make more of an effort with a new companion but half of the men stated that they had come so far along the solo route that they would find it hard to cohabit again. They had all made compromises in the past, now they knew what they wanted in a home. All of those that I spoke to professed a certain proficiency with the barbeque and regularly entertained, but agreed that formal dinner parties were out of the question as these really required the touches of a hostess.
The men were almost in the majority when it came to realising that no one person is ever going to give them all they require from a relationship – they needed friends, interests, work, family, even other lovers. There was a suggestion that there should be a sort of rewriting of the relationship code whereby it’s less exclusive and less pressured.
Four of the men accepted that they are now totally relieved of the romantic myth of the other half, and have accepted the fundamental truth about relationships – that they go in cycles and sometimes a good relationship can go bad, and a bad one can go good.
James explained that he missed the buffer effect of a relationship – the other half being a buffer against stress and the general toughness and challenges of life. “Men,” he continued “find it harder to sort themselves out after a failed relationship, women are very good at networking and emotions, we often have to keep up the macho act, put on a brave face even though really depressed. I miss not just the sex but even more the sheer domesticity, I miss having that all-essential counter balance.”
David, who has been divorced for two years and is still living alone, suggested that “some men thrive after divorce; others adopt a sort of hero stance, are in denial of how bad they find their situation. Some become ridiculously over excited by the prospect of being back on the singles market, desperate to find what they always hoped for, but never had in their marriage, then they will invariably over invest in the next relationship. Others rush into relationships they know deep down are utterly hopeless, just because they need to be with someone, anyone. It needs the newly single man to really think long and hard whether he can learn to have a healthy relationship with somebody, rather than flitting from one woman to another. In this small community the recipe for any form of relationship success should not be focused on just sexual gratification.”
And what was the key message that came out of these meetings?
What the vast majority of mature, divorced men really want is to recapture the very thing they thought they would find in marriage in the first place, they just want to be loved and looked after.
n If any single ladies would like to contact our ‘Bachelors’ then please send your details to [email protected] or by letter marked ‘Bachelors’ Cyprus Mail PO Box 62341 8063 Paphos. Fax: 26 953507 and your information will be forwarded to them
