Holidays mean suitcases, preferably a decent roomy container that both protects and stores clothes while not dislocating your arm from its socket while weighing in at the check in desk. Whatever bag you travel with gives out definite signals about the person you are (or aspire to be) so here are seven pieces of luggage that speak volumes about their owners.
The rucksack
To be strenuously avoided after the age of 19 and only for world weary young folk sporting nose rings and cruel boots. One feels that if you pulled one of the many dangling straps the entire bulk of the thing would turn into a maisonette with lava lamps and en suite bathroom. Life is too short to travel around with this on one’s back. Even worse are those who have their utensils dangling off these things that clank and clatter like giant swinging charms on a bracelet.
Street Cred zero
The woven Plastic Laundry bag
Comes in red and blue stripes, ideal for fishermen and serious knitters, but horrendous and not to mention demeaning to be seen with. They are just one slim notch above shoving your underpants into a black bin liner. Treated with great contempt by baggage handlers. Rather pierce your eyeballs, or go naked but on no account ever rock up to the airport with this sad sad bag.
Street Cred five below zero
The monster fabric bag (tartan pattern optional)
The luggage equivalent of a touring caravan, coming in at around waist level with a width similar to a Mini Cooper. Impossible to lift and requires the entire family to heave it onto the check in. Baggage handlers loathe and abhor them, they always ensure they are the last to turf up on the carousel, but only after they have given it a vigorous kicking. Bought by those who foolishly believe that the airline is their family’s own personal removal company.
Street Cred three below zero
The Aviator Flight bag
Once used by pilots to stow flight maps, now carried by vertically challenged chaps who once dreamt of becoming a flight officer but failed O-level arithmetic. Popular with bathroom accessory salesmen and insurance reps. Owners have the travelling nonce of a hamster, as everything is paid for by the company. They wouldn’t know the difference between the Holiday Inn Arkansas and the Hyatt Regency in Bombay as all destinations look the same. This is luggage with about the same level of cool as a crop of verrucas.
Street Cred 1
Louise Vuitton set
Fave of Joan Collins, Elton John, page three girls, pub landladies, minor soap stars and those with more dosh than dash. More often copied – the replica rip off can be easily spotted at a hundred paces as the stitching looks as if it had been executed by a blind butcher wielding a cleaver. If it’s genuine then it’s all too too pretentious, if it’s fake then that also speaks volumes about your personality. Enough said.
Street Cred 2
The hard case
Customs officials always enthusiastically leap on people carrying what looks like the flying equivalent of Securicor. The only way to carry this ‘look’ off is if you are a camp fashion photographer, amateur smuggler, or a deeply insecure fashion victim. There’s something rather industrial, and deeply suspect about toting what looks like an armour-coated case. It makes everyone believe you are packing a dam sight more than your flip flops and Marks and Spencer thongs.
Street Cred 3
All in one matching sets
Exceedingly boring, the luggage equivalent of owning a Volvo. All bags in the set are identical and come in dreary dark green or black. They have countless zippered compartments where dank underwear, melting Twix bars, fax machines, and word processors linger. Owners are always forced into tying gaily coloured ribbons, hanging sacrificial teddy bears, spotted hankies and stickers in order to identify their case from the 379 doppelgangers also whirring round the carousel.
Street Cred 2.5
