Air on a G String
What has come over men? There seems to be an underwear revolution taking place
IN THE old days it used to be called the G-string, which only managed to magnify in the minds of nervous classical guitarists the fear of imminent chafing.
More worrying are signs that hordes of non musical men now seem to be wholeheartedly embracing the distressing culture of totally over the top, extrovert, pants behaviour. Middle aged men with swelling love handles and profuse sprouting body hair who were previously wedded to the industrial Y front, are now looking to bundling their bits into what eerily resembles a high tensile cat’s cradle.
Okay, we all recognise that the baggy non-Klein jockey short first worn by Americans in the 1930s is one undergarment that has consistently registered a low ‘turn on’ rating. Over the decades, millions of misguided men rashly believed that by donning a pair of these (literal) bloomers, they would instantly be transformed from flabby accountants into taut torsoed Antonio Banderas look alikes. Sadly, all they turned into were dead ringers for the real thing in the diminutive form of jump jockey Willie Carson.
Things are however changing and not, I hasten to add, for the better. Over the past decade there has been a sneakily effective campaign afoot by underwear manufacturers to try and turn our men into hot to trot thongers. This, of course, has resulted in many an innocent member of the frailer sex having to steel herself for the imminent heaving up of the romantic Italian dinner if, later in the boudoir, she is then greeted by the now popular, but utterly appalling vision, of our potential love machine stripping down to reveal a netherland clad in a triangular sliver of shiny red polyester.
Dipping into the male underwear scene reveals man’s ongoing love affair with packaging his privates in everything from tiger skin, sad Speedo rip offs and sticky backed bits of plastic. Only for those with a strong stomach, should log onto the internet to find over 40 rather queasy sites all dedicated to promoting what is being described as a totally subversive man’s pants revolution. One direct ‘male’ order site displays a colour pic of a heavily tattooed young man sitting atop a beach ball nearly wearing a partial modesty garment, and part catapult.
‘Have fun in your pants by wearing Vince, taken from our slinky monkey range. Order this exciting brief in 20% polyester, cut daringly high at the hips for eye catching appeal, and low filling for outstanding masculine appeal. Also comes with transparent side panels’.
Or
‘Go on –dare to be different! Be the King Kong of the underwear world with our latest shimmering nylon creation. $12.50. Available only in Fire-red.’
Any sad chap rash enough to purchase this hot little item would no doubt end up looking as if he had decided to store his personal valuables in what can only be described as a shiny, raspberry-coloured jam pot cover. Worse is when we are then treated to a rear view photo; then it looks as if the King Kong also performs the dubious bonus of doubling as a unique buttock flosser.
Those nervous souls unwilling to travel the vigorous flossing route might just opt instead for the radically new concept in thongs. It’s the aptly named the ‘Swinger Thong’, this heavily engineered semi garment, purports to defeat Newton’s theory by being the first string-less thong on the market. Here’s what the manufacturers say about it.
‘Less is certainly a lot more fun when you’re wearing a swinger! This little nylon number is completely backless, with no annoying under string-just the pouch and nothing else. You’ll relish the airy freedom and enjoy the sheer stimulating sensation of such a daring style’. $10.95.
The accompanying picture again shows a rear view, this time of a particularly hairy bottom, sans string. The front view was, to put it mildly, more than a touch distressing.
Its now abundantly clear from the massive sales figures enjoyed by these ‘specialist pants’ companies, that while you are riffling, wifely like, through the supermarket underpants offer of five pairs for a fiver hubby is secretly logging on of an evening to order up multiple pairs of raspberry-coloured Vince thongs along with teasing sets from the Daring Twingo Peacock range.
It is also clear that there is a whole new market out there of ‘in denial’ thong wearers; men who would rather admit to unnatural acts with farm animals than openly confess to wearing a stringless jam pot cover around the family jewels.
One word of warning though. We must all now be prepared for the inevitable fallout and instant martyrdom that will be caused by any over tight ‘nylon’ elastication, as our ‘secret string less’ men will inevitably then fall foul to bouts of prickly heat and doses of the dreaded dhobi itch, both conditions will of course render him incapable of ever playing his guitar again.
