Why dressing up should be a real drag
If you want to look like a diva, put on those gay specs
I REMEMBER once during a bout of boredom allowing an ex to dress me. “Here is my wardrobe,” I said. “Put me in anything you like.”
Big mistake. He bypassed my favourite jeans and Miu Miu dress for an outfit culled from the back of the cupboard. Short and black, it showed acres of leg and way more cleavage than was necessary for a night out at the pub. My girlfriends were appalled by my ‘sexy’ look and some bloke tried to grope my bottom.
The lesson from this story is that most straight men can barely dress themselves let alone their girlfriends. If you want to look good it’s gay men you turn to. It is no coincidence that the majority of successful male fashion designers are gay. Generally, straight-man taste is worse than dreadful. ‘Obviously sexy’ is what they like. Put them in charge and they’ll have you looking like one of those dolly birds in Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love video before you can say ‘Jordan’.
So who can a girl turn to in a clothing crisis? Those clever people behind Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (worth getting a satellite dish just to watch it), the cult American television series in which five gay men make over a straight guy, think they have the answer. Next year will see the launch of Queer Eye for the Straight Girl, in which the gay style gurus work over a desperate woman’s wardrobe. I say desperate because most women already keep a clan of gay friends on speed dial for that purpose.
Still, few women can resist the lure of a makeover and there’s nothing more exotic than seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes. With straight-man goggles on, you’re a vapid, mini-skirted vixen with great tits and an insatiable sexual appetite. Put on those gay specs, however, and you could become a steely goddess (Marlene Dietrich) or an immaculate diva (Joan Crawford) or you could run a marathon in Manolos without breaking into a sweat (Sarah Jessica Parker).
Gay taste, for all its sophistication and refinement, still prefers glamour and fantasy to dreary reality. It elevates women, puts them on a pedestal, glorifies them with camp and, because it hinges on an air of invincibility, it knocks straight men off balance and frightens them into submission.
But part of the fun of the original Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is decoding the sexual tension between our hapless straight man and his queery mentors. After all, straights are supposed to be terrified of gays – fearing contact might result not just in a better haircut, but also a change in sexual orientation. Take this tension away and the girl version could be like watching five camp men play dressing-up with real Barbie dolls. Sure, the girls will end up more glamorous – but for whom? Are the style gurus dressing her to appeal to her boyfriend?
Well, we know what he likes already. So will they doll her up for their own benefit? Probably. But given a choice between straight taste or gay, dolly bird or diva, slag or drag, most women would opt for the latter.
Time to spring forward
IF YOU are fed up with the January sales then it’s time to start looking forward to spring. You may still be wearing your woolly jumpers (and who can blame you in this weather?) but the fashion stores are gearing up for a seasonal change. Never mind the rain, ladies, from next month it’s sartorial spring-time, so here are some key looks to look out for. If you need any help with shopping just call me, or one of your gay friends…
THINGS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW
Why is Cristal champagne so expensive?
Ranging from 75 pounds up to a whopping two grand, the price tag of Cristal champagne is as much about reputation as flavour, according to wine writer Jonathan Ray, author of the book Bubbly, as it was the drink beloved of Russia’s tsars. “Plus a huge amount of care goes into making it,” says Ray. “It comes from the best vineyards, the best grapes and only the best years.”
How long would it take to burn off a Big Mac?
The whopping 492 calories and 23 grams of fat in a Big Mac would take 66 minutes of strenuous activity, 98 minutes of walking moderately quickly, or 164 minutes of walking slowly to burn off. Now think very carefully: are you sure you want fries with that?
