Comfortable and comforting, but in the best taste?
FASHION crimes, like many other misdemeanours, can begin innocently enough. A few influential designers send a quirky and impractical article of clothing down the runway; high-fashion magazines enthusiastically push it; a celebrity is photographed wearing it, and then lower-end lines begin mass-producing it.
Suddenly, women are buying it in shrieking colours and synthetic fabrics, and what has begun as a harmless act of whimsy has become a widespread aesthetic offence. So it has been with the poncho — that rectangular piece of material resembling a small blanket knitted by your grandmother, with a hole in the centre for your head.
Is there anything to like about the poncho? Apparently the look is “comfortable and comforting”. Some fashion writers have said that we are in a post crop-top and low-rise jean moment, in which women are demurely wrapping up rather than baring all.
Happily, these fans claim, the poncho “covers all the right areas”, hiding worrisome mid-section figure flaws. They also say that the sleeveless poncho is easy to whip on and off as the temperature demands; and some even propound the mitten philosophy, arguing that ponchos are warmer than coats because they trap heat by keeping the arms close to the body.
“Rubbish” is all I can say. All of these arguments can be dismissed as Poncho Myths.
First of all, mature non-sweatpants-wearing adults can agree that security blankets are supposed to be comforting; clothes, however, are not. Ponchos aren’t even comfortable. Try carrying a bag while wearing one: hang the bag over the poncho and the ample underarm fabric bunches up; carry it beneath and it creates a tumour-like protrusion.
As for the glove theory, the real way a poncho resembles a glove is that both items partly incapacitate the wearer — try fixing your hair, say, while negotiating the poncho’s billowing folds.
Finally, in response to the easy-to-wear line of reasoning, I have only one question: how hard is it, really, to button and unbutton a coat?
So who on earth in their right mind would walk around under an acrylic crochet poncho unless they’re six years old and were made to wear one by a bossy unstylish mother?
Half of Cyprus, apparently. Anyone with a cup size over B looks like a mobile tent about to give birth to twins. If you’re not a size 8 and over 5’11″ with legs up to a very pert bottom I would suggest you give this ‘fashion’ mistake a miss…
I have already decided, however, that if the locals leave any on the clothes racks (the way they’re selling I doubt very much there’ll be many left, though) I will hunt down all the pink ones in the sales. Then I can join them together and make a funky bedspread (only cashmere or wool is good enough for my boudoir, though), because that’s all these fashion faux pas are good for.
Meanwhile those who insist that they should commit this fashion crime and look like Clint Eastwood’s granny will get positively turned on by the website www.ponchoshop.co.uk Style doesn’t always come naturally to some people, obviously…
Leave your hat on…
If you want to keep warm in real style now that it’s finally chilly, stick to the good old hat, scarf and glove combo. Hat, scarf and glove sets always remind me of the first day of school.
If you want to access your inner child, French Connection is a good place to start. They have a great crochet baker boy hat (£25) and chunky pastel-striped scarf (£30) in 100 per cent wool (if you really want to keep warm, opt for wools rather than acrylics).Think granny’s knitting, only using needles the size of drumsticks, and you’ll get some idea of the scale of this season’s chunky scarves. They are fabulously indulgent and work well with everything from full-length coats to parkas.
Debenhams has a gorgeous knotted straggly edged scarf in pink and orange for £10. Duvet-style scarves are also around for winter: Prada have pale-pink, burnt-orange and silver versions for £89 (www.net-a-porter.com) but you can save some money by choosing an M&S ‘lookalike’ in black — yours for just £12.
Leather gloves are a must-have this season in every colour and style, from fingerless mittens (www.toastbypost.co.uk have a fab selection of colours) to driving gloves. Wear with your square-cut ’60s jacket for retro style or with a sleek funnel-neck coat for a more elegant look.
Oh, and don’t forget, DO NOT wear any of the above with a poncho unless you want to be featured in my next column…
What every woman should know…
Nobody can please you except yourself.
Take your mascara off after a party.
Know what you’ll never let happen to you again.
Be real and embrace your individuality; you’re meant to be who you are.
Congratulations to Mrs Lene Brown, winner of last column’s free Clarins facial.
Her five funny reasons for reading the Cyprus Mail
1.By far the most absorbent newspaper I place on the bottom of my parrot’s cage
2. When rolled up the most effective newspaper for smacking my husband with
3. When flying and the engines of the plane are switched off you can still hear the whining of the Brits writing to the letters page
4. The person who makes the predictions for the English premier league is always 100 per cent wrong
5. If I’m reading the paper I have a good excuse not to talk to my husband
