THE ITALIAN JOB ***
DIRECTED BY F. Gary Gray
STARRING Mark Wahlberg, Charlize Theron, Edward Norton, Seth Green
US 2003 111 mins.
ALEX & EMMA **1/2
DIRECTED BY Rob Reiner
STARRING Luke Wilson, Kate Hudson, Sophie Marceau
US 2003 96 mins.
By Preston Wilder
THERE’S NOTHING fundamentally wrong with The Italian Job, a solid, reasonably entertaining heist movie; except of course for the (relatively) minor matter that it should never have been called The Italian Job.
British critics have been snooty about this Hollywood remake of the much-loved 60s trifle starring Michael Caine and a trio of red-white-and-blue Minis. Those in America, where the original never did much business, have been more forgiving, realising perhaps that this kind of cannibalism has always been part of how movies operate. Sixty years ago, Hollywood made a classic version of Wuthering Heights, its quality only slightly compromised by the fact that it stopped half way through the book and added a tacked-on happy ending. Titles like Camille and Oliver Twist have been in the repertory for decades, in versions ranging from faithful to unrecognisable. If Dickens and Brontë can handle it, so can Michael Caine.
Why they made the remake is clear enough: to resuscitate the Minis, which duly appear (in a beefed-up model) in the climactic chase scene. Otherwise, there’s absolutely nothing in common between this and the 60s Job, except perhaps a two-second glimpse of that film as Edward Norton watches it on his “big-ass TV”. At one point Jason Statham, sporting the only British accent, tells one of his partners in crime, “We’re in Italy, speak English!” – neatly upending the original’s main joke, of Brits in a dodgy foreign place where they do things differently and drive on the wrong side of the road.
That said, it’s instructive to look at the original, just to see why the remake is good without being great. Not that Job 1.0 was much better, but it did have an element of doubt as to whether the heist would succeed (hence the justly famous ending), especially in a foreign land where so much could go wrong. Here, on the other hand, is a totally different dynamic: as you’ll know if you’ve seen the trailer, the ‘Italian Job’ itself is merely the starting point – the main setting is LA, where the crooks reconvene to take revenge on the double-crosser who left them for dead, and of course steal back their stolen gold.
Clearly, with this kind of set-up, the ending is a given: triumph for our heroes, a slow painful death for the traitor. Inevitably, the result is less thrilling than ordinary heist films like the recent Ocean’s Eleven or the upcoming The Good Thief, where the success of the heist remains in doubt; it’s also less stylish, though it moves at a good clip and coasts on some talented performers. (What with this and The Score, the lesson for prospective robbers must be: ‘Do not, under any circumstances, let Edward Norton into your gang’.)
Job is fun, but strictly low-gear. Knowing (more or less) how it’s going to turn out makes it slightly tedious watching Charlize Theron hem and haw about whether she’ll join the heist (just say yes already!), or the wheels starting to turn as the gang set up their operations – though there is an unexpected development half way through, when the film turns into the equivalent of stud poker. Plausibility is never an issue in such things, though it should be noted that (a) two men with cameras inside a car parked in a Restricted Parking zone would probably be asked to leave within five minutes, and (b) driving a car through a subway station is likely to hit a snag at the token booths, long before you reach the platform.
Above all, the ending is a disappointment. The whole point of the heist is that it “was never about the money”, but a tribute to the veteran thief (played by Donald Sutherland) who tells our hero there are more important things than stealing. It’s a perfect set-up for the ending of the old Italian Job, where our heroes literally have to choose between money and life; yet the film goes for trite Hollywood feelgoodery, totally missing the irony. Never send a Yank to do a Brit’s Job.
Speaking of jobs half-done brings us to Alex & Emma, though Alex (Luke Wilson) has a more pressing problem: he’s a writer who owes money, and a couple of thugs are going to throw him out the window unless he can finish his latest book inside 30 days – but the thugs have broken his computer, so what can he do? Buy another one, perhaps? No, the correct answer is ‘hire a stenographer’, to whom he’ll dictate the novel with every dash and comma so she can then go home in the evening, transcribe the day’s work and come back in the morning for more dictation. And what if he wants to rewrite during the night? Well, he’ll just have to wait, won’t he?
Anyone who thinks this makes sense probably deserves to watch the film itself – though in fact it isn’t painful, just bland. Luke’s novel – which is such a surefire bestseller his editor pays him $125,000 immediately upon reading it – turns out to be a thin, old-fashioned love story with a period setting, allowing Wilson and Kate Hudson (as the stenographer, Emma) to play double roles as creators and creations. Both stars are miscast, or perhaps just inadequate: Wilson’s specialty is slow burns and thoughtful drawls – he was Cameron Diaz’ nice-guy boyfriend in Charlie’s Angels – but the film has him playing neurotic in a Woody Allen key (to the thugs, as they close in on him: “So, uh, have you guys been working out together?”). Hudson’s specialty remains a mystery, since she has no comic timing and gives the impression – as she did in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days – of a little girl playing dress-up.
Alex & Emma is okay (those who care about ratings should note it’s right on the border between ** and **1/2), but it’s sad to see director Rob Reiner reduced to this kind of piffle. Reiner was a god in the 80s, making comedies so fine they’ve become touchstones – so fine, indeed, that he himself tries to recapture their magic in this new offering. The scenes where modern-day voices jolt us out of the story they’re narrating are right out of The Princess Bride (1987), and Emma likes to read the last page of a book first, just like Sally in When Harry Met Sally¼(1989). At least The Italian Job is upfront about its cannibalism.
