IS IT JUST my imagination, or would some people out there agree with me when I sometimes feel as if everyone’s in charge of me except myself? Your family, your boss, your friends, your partner … the list goes on. So what can you do about it?
The past few months have had me rushing around like a lunatic trying to juggle a thousand and one things at the same time, but then I have thrived on that kind of multi-tasking behaviour all my life and I usually work well under pressure. There is a time in your life though (as I have recently discovered) where you have to slow down and give yourself some ‘me’ time.
The other day, for example, I did at least half a dozen things I didn’t want to, including: taking my mum to Woolworth’s; collecting my friend’s kids from school because she was working overtime (I, being freelance, am never working, apparently); hosting three of my son’s friends for a sleepover; accepting a commission for work I don’t really want to do; not getting angry with my friend, who rearranged our night out at the last minute, and for the third time; and sitting on the sofa watching a ridiculous sci-fi movie with my eldest son when I really wanted to watch Cold Feet on the other channel.
None of these was a particularly big deal on its own, but combined, they gave me a feeling I’ve had many times before: of feeling put out, taken for granted, and borderline resentful. I could have said no to any of them, but I didn’t. Was I some kind of mug? I tried talking to my partner and my friend about it, but guess what? My partner was still at work and my friend had cancelled the school run because her partner’s parents were coming and she wanted to clean the house. His parents, and she’s cleaning.
According to Dr Petra Boynton, a psychologist at University College, London, my situation is “typical of many – maybe most – women”.
“Being aware of other people’s needs and responding to them is something women do. We’re good at it. We do it at the expense of our own needs and without even noticing much of the time, until we are hit by the feeling of anger and resentment or just not knowing how we got ourselves into this situation.”
So how did we get ourselves into this state? There is a big debate about the role of nature versus nurture, and according to the psychologist Anne Dickson (A Woman in Your Own Right, available from www.amazon.co.uk at £4.80) “it’s probably a bit of both. What it adds up to is that most women see the world differently to most men: they are more co-operative, empathetic, and flexible. Men are more focused, self-orientated and see problems as things to be conquered. The result is that women tend to see things in the longer term, and aren’t focused on only short-term goals. They’re more aware of consequences and feelings, less inclined to confrontation and more inclined to consensus.”
I suppose that flexibility and compromise are essential tools in any relationship or situation. But they also make us vulnerable to taking on too much responsibility for other people. The ‘good’ compromise too easily mutates into the ‘bad’ surrender. In our relationships, we make more compromises, and still do more of the domestics – and according to recent research, women still do 75 per cent of domestic chores and childcare.
In our jobs we try endlessly to please, when that’s not really how the system works. “The world of work is still largely based on traditional male values of competition, long hours, networking and single-minded self-interest,” says Anne Dickson. “We never feel entirely comfortable in that culture, which contributes to our sense of feeling out of control, and at the mercy of someone else’s rules in general.”
The typical female response is to avoid the politics and work extra hard, hoping that someone will notice, which in turn makes us feel resentful. Or we go all out to be as tough and self-serving as possible – and then end up feeling guilty about it.
Oh yes, Guilt. I’d rather not get started on the causes and reasons for guilt: I think it’s enough to say, with no fear of being disagreed with, that most women have too much of it. (I have only ever met a few men in my lifetime who fit in this category.) When we try to tune out other people’s feelings and do something for ourselves we feel guilty. (I could have said: “Sorry, mum, I can’t take you to Woollies because I’m working. Dad can take you, or I can take you on Saturday when I’m free”, but I’d have felt bad all day.) And we assume we’re so good at mind-reading that we don’t realise that we sometimes get it wrong.
Take my friend Chrissie, who complained that she spent half her life desperately taking on extra projects and staying on at the office, in an effort to please her boss. “She is one of those cool women who don’t say much,” explained Chrissie. “I was convinced that she was disappointed in me.” Finally, her appraisal came up – and went well. Although her boss had never complained about her work, she hadn’t praised her either, so into the vacuum of her silence Chrissie had poured disapproval and disappointment.
“As a rule, if your boss isn’t complaining, you can take it you’re doing fine. If you are concerned, ask for an appraisal, and have proper meetings to clarify what your responsibilities are and discuss your performance. Second-guessing what someone else wants often backfires,” according to Dr Petra Boynton.
About a year ago I wrote a column which made fun of my obsession with self-help books: joking aside, there are some good books out there that will help you take control and make your life your own again if you really do feel that you’re out of control. There will always be obligations to fulfill, and wanting to make the people we love happy is not a failing. But, as the experts point out, life should be a balance between what we owe to other people and what we owe to ourselves ¼
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