My Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini hell
I DOUBT if there exists any other item of clothing that is more capable of single-handedly reducing a woman to a crumpled heap of self-loathing than the innocent sounding ‘swimwear’.
The word sounds so practical, friendly almost, belying its hideous and dark potential to ruin your life. Not only is ‘swimwear’ specifically designed, so it seems, to make you feel fat, old and past it, but this nightmare visits you on a yearly basis.
Every year we run the ‘cozzie’ gauntlet – knowing and fretting that hundreds of strangers are going to see it, judge it and criticise it – and we attempt to pick out the least offensive, most covering-up thing we can find to get wet and brown in (or in my case red).
Each summer I set my radar to ‘realistic’ by trying to buy what my granny would call ‘a proper swimming costume’. However, you simply cannot get such a thing unless you’re prepared to don a garment that the Queen might be comfortable wearing at a pool party.
It appears that women with breasts and, worse, bottoms, are not expected to be on the beach when summer hits.
What the range on offer indicates to me is that boobs and bums girls are not welcome at the poolside. At the point of sale we are gamely invited to pick up a thong. But for those of us whose flesh moves when we so much as raise an eyebrow, the thong is a non-starter.
And that’s pretty much it. From my extensive research, the merchandise seems to leapfrog from thong to old lady’s costume with handy ‘skirt’ (there, supposedly, to hide those upper thigh jodhpur bits).But I don’t want to wear a rah-rah skirt on a boiling hot day – why would I get permanently attached to my swimming costume? So I’m guessing that a bright fair-minded designer came up with the amusingly named tankini to satisfy those of us in between.
A tankini looks as if it’s going to cover your tummy with a nice, uplifting vesty-top while giving you the option of covering your bum to your own (and the rest of the beach’s) taste. You can go for a skimpy-ish pant, if you are so minded (I, you may have have gathered, am not). Or you can opt for a large but not quite so hospital-issue pair (my choice).
But what the tankini doesn’t tell you is what it is going to do when it gets wet. Last summer, tankini clad, I walked on to the beach confident that I was dressed appropriately yet fashionably. Minutes later I emerged from the water wearing what amounted to a skimpy bikini. Somehow my lovely tankini top had rolled itself up into a nasty bra affair and my pants had concertinaed themselves down and up my bottom into a near-thong. Very non-Ursula Andress like, and all-in-all not a pretty sight.
However I refuse to believe it’s time for an ‘all in one please don’t notice me’ swimsuit or, heaven forbid, the aqua-rah-rah.
In the interest of avoiding further shopping casualties, I have a few handy tips for swimwear salespeople that should should make the experience a whole lot more fun.
1. Try more sympathetic lighting in the changing rooms – this is not a football match in mid-winter.
2. Why not offer a few cocktails? Make it more of a beachy experience – it could work in your favour. I’d buy anything when I’m three sheets in the wind! And play some tropical music – I might even salsa if I had a margarita.
3. Find a replacement for that gusset-strip thing – it’s like having a crisp packet shoved down your knickers.
4. Have some matching sarongs hanging casually around – we’ll use them to cover a multitude of sins and you’ll get an extra sale.
And finally, here’s a tip for those of you who may still be beach-bound: equip yourself with some ‘great’ sunglasses and an even ‘greater’ bag. Everyone’s attention will be drawn by them, and if they’re stylish and snazzy enough, no one will notice your bum.
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